


Thor, God of thunder, Sitter of babies

by TheLadySyk0



Series: take your daughter to work day [6]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Babies, Baby, Baby Fic, Babysitting, Confused Thor, Cute, Fluff, Funny, Gen, Humor, Jobs, Teamwork, The international nannies assosiation, Thor is a puppy, Thor is confused by earth, deadpool stop being mean to thor, don't mess with Carol, kinkos, thor gets a job, thor is a good bean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-28 05:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10074203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: Thor gets a job. It goes as well as you would expect.





	1. The realization

Deadpool and Thor, God of Thunder, were sitting in a greasy diner at 3am. The pallid fluorescent lights reflected oddly against the waitress’ pale pink uniform, her nametag read “Carol”. She glared at Deadpool who had his boots up on the table and smiled at Thor.  She patted him on the head as he sat at the bar with Deadpool as if the god was an oversized puppy that wandered into her diner.

 

The waitress’ hair was pinned to her head in auburn curls, eyes topped with heavy eyeliner and a thick coating of electric blue eyeshadow, eyes sharp as she looked over the two men.

 

Wade was humming to himself as he wolfed down a stack of pancakes, long gashes cut through his suit and his flesh slowly stitching together before their eyes. Thor’s cape was ripped and his chainmail was marred with oddly-colored blood but he seemed chipper as he sipped his coffee and consumed his own large portion of biscuits and gravy as if it were an enemy to be defeated. 

 

“Long day eh?” Carol raised her penciled-in eyebrows at the pair.

 

“Aye.” Thor swallowed an oversized biscuit whole in a move that would have possibly killed a human “There were creatures in the subway.”

 

“Fuckton of eyes.” Deadpool waved a hand as he rolled a pancake into a syrupy tube and shoved it down his throat in an unintentionally (intentionally?) lewd gesture. “Weird tentacle shit.”

 

She sighed and leaned over to pour Thor another cup of coffee. “Puh.” she shook her head “Guess I ain’t taking the train home.”

 

“If thou requirest an escort.” Thor gave her a short half-bow as he sat at the counter. “I am always at your service Carol.” 

 

Carol smiled at him “Well you’re sweet big-guy but I’ve lived in this town forevah I can take care of myself.”

 

Deadpool swallowed around a huge mouthful of food. “Say Thor I’ve been meaning to ask, how do you know about this place? I thought I was the only one who went to this restaurant.”

 

Carol rolled her eyes and flipped him off. “Ey fuck you bud.”

 

Deadpool snickered and did an elaborate jack-in-the-box style raising of his middle finger.

 

Carol gave him a flat look but one could tell she was trying not to snicker. “Don’t test me boy I swear I will have Miguel piss in the pancake batter.”

 

A greasy looking fry cook popped over the divide from behind the counter to the kitchen. He waved his spatula like a general preparing for war, his mustache bristling with righteous fury and his eyes sparkling with humor “Don’t think I won’t do it!”

 

Wade snickered and Thor looked nervously between the two, not quite understanding what was going on.

 

“Ah...ha?” Thor laughed nervously.

 

Carol chuckled and patted Thor’s cheek. “Don’t worry hun we’re just teasing.” she pinched Wade’s cheek. “This son of a gun has been going to this joint since it opened.”

 

Wade smiled and gently batted her hand away. “Yeah and it’s a big surprise to know that another Avenger has been going to the same diner all along, what gives?”

 

Carol put a hand on Thor’s shoulder. “Came in looking for a cup of coffee after a big battle. He tried to get coffee at the “Kinko’s” first and they sent him over here.”

 

Wade choked on a piece of pancake. “You tried to get coffee at the KINKO’S?”

 

A tinge of color came to Thor’s cheeks. “Well how am I supposed to know what each store does? They all have brightly colored signs and non-descriptive names like “MC-DON-ALDS” and “RADIO SHACK” and “T-MOBILE” and “DUNKIN’ DONUTS” and they all do different things!”

 

Wade was still snickering into a pancake. “He tried to get coffee at Kinko’s!”

 

Deadpool chortled and took out his Spiderman novelty wallet. “Alright Carol, what do I owe you for the grub?”

 

Thor looked alarmed “Those were worms?”

 

Carol shrugged “Hell I lost count of how many pancakes you ate. Lets call it 25 bucks for the pancakes and the coffee”

 

Wade grinned at her. “Oh come on Carol we both know I ate more than 25 bucks worth of pancakes.”

 

She shrugged and tugged the money out of his hand “You’re a good customer hun!”

 

Thor watched the money change hands with fascination.

 

“Well…” Wade looked expectantly at Thor “Pay up and we can blow this popsicle stand…”

 

“Uhhhh…..pay?....” Thor looked at the money, completely lost.

 

Carol waved him off “Get outta here kids you don’t owe me nothing more.”

 

“Wait.” Deadpool looked at Carol. “You don’t make him pay?”

 

Carol shrugged. “Well he’s always here after he’s saved the world from somethin’ or another, we don’t really mind.”

 

Deadpool slumped his shoulders and gaped at Carol, completely betrayed. “You won’t even give me free coffee refills anymore and you give him everything for free?”

 

Carol rolled her eyes. “YOU. Don’t get free coffee refills no more because of that one time you drank all our stock trying to see if someone could die from caffeine.”

 

Deadpool sighed. “Best 300 cups in my life.”

 

Carol glared at him. “Well it was the WORST twelve hours of mine!”

 

Thor looked up at Carol, his eyes wide and puppyish. “...I have been...I have been acting dishonorably?”

 

Carol swatted Wade’s arm and put her hands to her hips like a put-upon mother. “Now look at what you did, you made him feel bad.”

 

She looked down at Thor. “Now hun don’t worry about it! We really don’t mind!”

 

Thor stood up quickly with an air of determination. “No Carol! I shall no longer be dishonorable towards this establishment!” he walked out of the greasy diner and held his hammer aloft. “BY ODIN’S NAME I SHALL PAY MY DEBT TO THEE!!”

 

A bolt of lighting came from his hammer and shattered a window by the door. Carol yelped and jumped.

 

Thor grimaced and raised a finger. “I WILL ALSO PAY FOR THAT WINDOW!”

 

And with that Thor jogged outside, raised his hammer and flew up into the sky.

 

Miguel the frycook leaned out of the kitchen, gave the glass on the floor and the broken window a flat look and tapped his cigarette on the counter before ducking back into the kitchen. “We really oughta stop serving these weirdos…” he muttered.

  
  


Jane was having a perfectly normal dream that Tuesday night at 3am. She was sprawled across the bed in her apartment, face mashed into the pillow, drooling as she snored when the phone rang.

 

Jane bolted awake with a snort, grumbling and smoothing back her hair. She groped the bed stand for her phone that was blaring the theme song for the 1980’s cartoon “He-Man” which is what Darcy put ironically as her ring tone for Thor.

 

“Thor.” Jane answered, voice raspy and dry with sleep. “It’s three am. Humans usually sleep around this time.”

 

“Jane.” Thor answered as he walked down a late night New York sidewalk. Drunks bumbled past the God of Thunder as they went about their bar crawl. “Why did you not tell me that things required CURRENCY?”

 

Jane laid back dumbfounded on her bed. “...what?...”

 

Thor waved his hands around. “I had no idea that the green pieces of paper you midgardians pass around was CURRENCY! Paper! Honestly! What value does PAPER or all things have? Or those little rectangles that you slide into things and then you are allowed to take your items?”

 

Jane squinted at her ceiling, her 3am brain slowly trying to parse out what he was saying. “...are you talking about credit cards?”

 

“I mean I thought it was simply an odd custom!” Thor continued as he walked with the drunks down the New York city streets. Some idiot tried to pickpocket him and only managed to burn their hand with a stray bolt of electricity that came from the thunder god. Thor didn’t seem to notice and continued. “Like when midgardians all ask each other ‘how are you doing’ and you are obligated to lie and say ‘I am fine’ even if you are not, or why everyone must know the gender of a dog before you speak to it, or why you say ‘what’s up?’ but do not want to know what is above you, or why everyone stops when they see a red light or-”

 

“Wait!” Jane stopped Thor’s rant “the red light one is actually the law.”

 

“Ha.” Thor stood in the middle of the crosswalk as cars swerved around him, honking angrily, pointing at the light and giving him rude hand gestures. “Mere lights are not in charge of Thor.”

 

Jane rubbed her eyes. “You’re doing that thing again where you just stand in the crosswalk to spite the traffic signal again aren’t you?”

 

Thor looked suspiciously at his phone. A car crashed into Thor, totaling their car as the metal curved around the completely unscathed god. “...no…”

 

Jane groaned and leaned back on her pillow farther. “So what is this about Thor? You usually don’t care about this kind of thing.”

 

Thor walked out of the crosswalk, leaving confused and angry drivers in his wake. “I had learned that I had been taking dishonorable advantage of a restaurant. I do not wish to do the dishonorable thing.” Thor said as he walked past the car that had been totaled by smashing into his knees. 

 

Jane shrugged and twirled a piece of her hair. “Well you could always try and find a job to pay them back.

 

Thor grinned at his phone. “EXCELLANT! WHERE DO I GET A JOB?”

 

Jane rubbed her temples trying to remember how she found the jobs that got her through grad school. “Uh..you can try an employment agency?”

 

Thor laughed heartily. “THEN I SHALL VISIT THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY! THANK YOU JANE AND FARE THEE WELL!”

 

Jane raised an eyebrow at the phone as Thor abruptly hung up. “Why do I deal with this guy?” She asked herself out loud.

 

“Cuz’ he’s hot.” came a reply from the doorway and Jane bolted upright in bed only to see Darcy leaning against the frame of the bedroom door with a bowl of cereal in her hands. Darcy poured milk from a carton in her hands on the cereal and began to eat.

 

“What are you doing in my apartment?” Jane demanded. She threw her hands up in the air.

 

“Questions. Questions. Questions.”  Darcy swung the milk carton sarcastically and walked further into the bedroom. “Why are you in my apartment?” she mimicked sarcastically “More like why do YOU only have whole grain cheerios in your pantry you NERD.” 

 

Darcy wandered into the room and put the carton of milk on Jane’s bedside table. She opened the bedroom window and climbed onto the fire escape with her bowl of cereal. “Bye see you at work monday.” and with that Darcy was gone.

 

“IT’S TUESDAY!” Jane screamed and flopped back onto her pillows.

 

God dammit she needed less weird friends.

  
  


The employment agency worker looked nervously at the 6 foot-something god that was sitting across from her desk. He was smiling charmingly as she looked over the actual God of thunder’s resume.

 

God damn it this town was weird.

 

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Um… Mr. Odinson…”

 

“Please!” The god smiled winningly. “Call me Thor!”

 

She rubbed her temple. “I’m afraid that ‘battle proficiency’ and ‘hammer weilding’ just aren’t profitable skills in this market.”

 

Thor’s smile dropped and he shuffled a bit in her seat.

 

She turned the page on his resume. “...Also you listed Odin the allfather as a reference? I’m afraid that just won’t do…”

 

Thor put his hands to his hips a bit indignantly. “And pray thee why not?”

 

She winced not knowing exactly how to word this. “Well the instructions you listed on your resume require technology that Earth just simply isn’t capable of. Also anyone reading this will assume you’re insane. I mean does Odin even have a cell phone?

  
  


“Frigga!” Odin called to his wife as he scrolled through social media on a phone that looked as if it had been tossed through a portal and lost to time and space before being found by Odin. What looked to once be a Hello Kitty phone charm before it was dipped in lava swung from the battered device. “Did you enjoy the ‘meme’ I just shared.”

 

Without pausing her needlework Frigga nodded. “Indeed. It was most amusing husband.”

 

Odin squinted his one eye at the screen and nodded satisfied. “Yes. Most amusing.”

 

  
  


The interviewer sighed and gave the god’s resume another once-over. ”I mean I could contract you out for private security but I think that might get in the way of your avenging…” She played with a lock of hair nervously trying to come up with a job for the near-immortal “They tend to be hired henchmen and wouldn’t that just make things awkward…”

 

She looked up at him and closed the resume. “I would suggest working under an assumed name as well, we wouldn’t want too many people getting wind of this.”

 

Thor nodded seriously. “Aye. I do believe that is wise.”

 

She smiled and gave him a once-over. “...Do you have any experience with children?”

 

Thor grinned and nodded happily. “Aye! I spent many a eve with the children of the palace workers! I have much experience.”

 

She shrugged, she would take what she would get. “Have you ever considered being a nanny?”


	2. Thor, God of Thunder, also International Nannies Association certificate holder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor takes a Nanny certification class and gets his first customer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON"T FUCK WITH NANNIES THEY WILL FUCK YOU UP
> 
> LUPITA! LUPITA! LUPITA!

“Hello everyone!” The teacher stood at the front of the class, her hair in a messy bun and her eyes sharp behind thick glasses. Her voice was sweet but had an undercurrent of steel under the deceptive softness. Even Thor, God of Thunder, knew that this was not a woman to be trifled with.

 

“Welcome to the International Nanny Association's certification course.” She eyed the class, walking back and forth in the front of the classroom like a general in front of her troops. A baby doll sat on her desk which gaped wide-eyed at them.

 

“So you all want to be Nannies huh? You like working with children huh? Thought you would have a nice time playing with kids huh? Thought it would be easy did you?”

 

She stopped at her desk and slammed both hands down hard onto the surface. “WELL YOU WERE WRONG!!!”

 

The baby doll was knocked over with the impact. “Bweh” the little doll squeaked.

 

The teacher suddenly stopped her rant to gingerly right the baby doll, tucking it into a little blanket on her desk seemingly put out for it.

 

She turned back to glare at the class, putting her chin up and her hands behind her back. “Well you were wrong.”

 

She stalked in front of the classroom. “Well as a Nanny you will be responsible for these children’s very LIVES”

 

Thor straightened in his seat.

 

“ARE YOU GOING TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THESE KIDS?”

 

The class of middle-aged women, teenaged girls and one man who was secretly the god of thunder all banged their hands on their desks and shouted “NO!!!”

 

The teacher screamed louder “ARE YOU GOING TO LET THEM GET HURT???”

 

“NOOOOO!!!!” The class screamed and banged on their desks harder.

 

Thor’s desk cracked in half with a loud FWACK and the class paused and turned to look at him.

 

Thor grimaced sheepishly. “....apologies...I was just…”

 

The teacher pumped her fist. “I LIKE YOUR SPIRIT SOLDIER!” She took a clipboard and looked over the class roster “...Hmmm….your name is….Thomas….correct?”

 

Thor nodded recognizing the name the employment agency worker chose for him. He looked nervous where he sat in jeans and a simple black t-shirt. “Aye.”

 

The teacher smiled at him. “First star of the day!” the class all clapped as the teacher went to a chart on the other side of the room with each class member's name on it  and put a gold star sticker under Thor’s assumed name.

 

Thor squeaked.

 

HONOR.

 

“Now I hope you all follow Thomas’s example” The teacher clapped and nodded at the class. “NOW LET’S GET YOU ALL NANNY CERTIFIED!”

  
  


Thor lifted a barbell over his head, two weighted baby dolls on either end.

 

“COME ON! COME ON!” The teacher encouraged the class who were all struggling under similar weights. “THE TWINS WANT UPSIES! ARE YOU GOING TO DENY THEM????!!!”

 

A sixteen year old girl with braces screamed as she lifted the weighted dolls above her head “NO MA’M!!!”

 

A sixty-year old spanish woman huffed and struggled under the weights. “I don’t think-” she wheezed, her tiny grandma voice heavily accented. “Señora no puedo!”

 

“COME ON LUPITA!” The teacher leaned low and encouraged her “You can do this! Co me on the twins need upsisies!”

 

Thor stopped where he had been easily lifting the dolls. He stooped down to Lupita. “COME ON LUPITA!” The thunder god bellowed.

 

“LUPITA! LUPITA! LUPITA!” The class chanted in encouragement.

 

Lupita growled and strained against the weights. “LOS NIÑOS!” she screamed “NECESITAN!!!” She struggled under the weight “UPSIES!!!!!” 

 

And with one final monumental push Lupita lifted the weights above her head as the class applauded.

 

Thor nodded and clapped, grinning at the tiny woman. “CONGRATULATIONS LUPITA!” The thunder god clapped her on the shoulder and almost knocker her over “YOU HAVE TAPPED INTO YOUR WARRIOR SPIRIT!”

 

Both Thor and Lupita got gold stars.

  
  


The class swam back and forth in a pool. The teacher off to the side with a stopwatch. “COME ON YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT!” She screamed “A BABY COULD HAVE DROWNED BY NOW WITH THAT TIME CAROL!”

 

“I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN!” Carol blubbered and wheezed in her flower print bathing suit.

 

“WELL DO BETTER!” the teacher screamed.

 

Thor easily swam across the pool, retrieving the plastic baby doll from under the water.

 

Thor earned a gold star.

  
  


The class All sat in front of their child-sized CPR dummies, pushing the chests rhythmically

 

“COME ON! COME ON!” the teacher yelled as she walked past the students. “LET’S GET THOSE KIDS BREATHING AGAIN!”

 

The sixteen-year old with braces huffed as she pressed in the CPR rhythm. “LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!”

 

“THAT’S IT MEGAN!” The teacher encouraged her “BRING THAT BABY BACK!”

 

“YES MA’M!!!” Megan screamed and doubled her efforts.

 

Nearby Thor grinned and doubled his own efforts. “BY THE POWER OF ODIN I WILL YOU TO LIVE!” He screamed, loud and booming through the classroom.

 

“BY THE POWER OF ODIN I WILL YOU TO LIVE!” Megan screamed back, voice nasally and high.

 

“BY THE POWER OF ODIN!!!” Megan and Thor screamed together.

 

Megan and Thor both got gold stars.

  
  


The class all furiously cooked, whisking and sauteing things fervently. The teacher observed the carefully as they worked.

 

“COME ON! COME ON!” The teacher screamed “MORE NUTRITION! COME ON!”

 

“YOUR MAC AND CHEESE IS WATERY HELEN!” The teacher warned. Helen dutifully got back to work. “COME ON MEREDITH I WANT TO SEE MORE VEGETABLES!”

 

The teacher stopped at Thor’s station, she took a fork out and tasted what was in Thor’s pan. “What is that?” She asked, her brow furrowing.

 

Thor looked down at his pan. “I HAVE NO IDEA.”

 

“WELL WHATEVER IT IS IT’S DELICIOUS!” She screamed back.

 

Thor got another gold star.

 

At the certificate earning ceremony Thor took his International Nannies Association certificate with the same respect and awe as when he received Mjolnir from Odin.

 

“Congratulations Thomas.” the teacher wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “You are one of the best students I’ve ever had, you’ll make a fine nanny.”

 

Thor hugged her and she squeaked as the god lifted her off the ground. “THANK YOU FOR THIS HONOR!”

 

Thor also got hugs from Lupita and Megan. A cheerful goodbye was said to all of the members of the International Association of Nannies certification class before Thor went off to his first assignment.

  
  


Lauran, an upper crust New York mom, stopped by the hallway mirror of her apartment to put on her pearl earrings. It was date night and she wore a cute little cocktail dress with a shawl. The nanny was arriving any minute.

 

“Robert are the windows locked?”

 

Her husband played on his phone, not looking up he answered his wife. “Yes Honey.”

 

“Ok, we don’t want her getting a chill.” She fixed her hair in the mirror. “Is there enough formula in the cupboard?”

 

Robert didn’t look up as he leveled up in Candy crush. “Mmmhmmm….” 

 

“And the numbers for poison control and the fire department are still on the fridge?”

 

Robert continued to fiddle with the game. “...yup…”

 

The doorbell rang.

 

“Oh!” Lauran straighten up. “That must be the nanny!”

 

“Hmmm…” Robert answered, not looking up.

 

Laura sighed and opened the door. Surprised as she was suddenly eye-level with a pair of lovely pecs under a stretched black t-shirt.

 

“Umm…” Laura struggled to pull herself together as a beautiful blonde man smiled down at her. “Can I...Can I help you?”

 

Thor smiled and Lauran’s knees went weak. “Greetings. I am the nanny.”

 

“Ah ha…” Lauran smiled at him gob-smacked.

 

Robert finally looked up from his phone and was immediately offended at the dreamy look his wife was giving Thor. He grumbled and hooked an arm around his wife. “Um yes.” He addressed the god annoyed “Yeah who are you?”

 

Thor smiled wider and put out a hand to shake “THOMAS. THE NANNY!”

 

Robert eyed the hand Thor put out and didn’t shake it. “..uh huh..”

 

Robert addressed his wife. “Honey is this really such a good idea?”

 

Lauran tore her eyes away from where Thor’s pecs were threatening to rip open his shirt. “Oh honey I’m sure it’s fine.” her eyes gravitated back to Thor’s chest. “He seems very….capable…”

 

Robert rolled his eyes.

 

Laura dug in her purse for a moment.”Oh um Thomas was it? We’ll be gone for the evening, about five hours? How much do you charge per hour?”

 

Thor put his hands to his hips. “Sixteen per hour.”

 

Robert scoffed. “Sixteen? PER HOUR? That’s WAY too much! She’s a baby all she does is sleep and poop!”

 

“Robert!” Lauran smacked his arm lightly. “That’s standard for a nanny! It’s actually pretty low for this neighborhood!”

 

Robert rolled his eyes.

 

Thor towered above him and put his hands to his hips. “Aye.” The thunder god looked down at the man. “Your wife is wise. Nannies are some of the most dedicated people I know. They are professionals not to be trifled with.”

 

Robert rolled his eyes again and went back to playing on his phone.

 

Lauran smiled and motioned back into the apartment. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

 

Thor followed Lauran back to a small bedroom. The nursery was ocean themed, a little whale mobile spinning above a crib trimmed with blue and white fabric, little seashells and seahorses painted on the side.

 

Lauran smiled and ran a hand gently across the sleeping baby’s cheek. The baby murmured and balled their tiny little hands into fists, yawning before opening up their little eyes.

 

“This is Rosie.” Lauran whispered.

 

The baby murmured and put their little hand into their mouth. 

 

“Hello young miss.” Thor murmured and extended a finger to the child. The little girl grabbed the finger and cooed.

 

“Already you have quite the warrior’s grasp” Thor chuckled as the baby giggled and grabbed his fingers.

 

Thor looked up to Lauran, looking at her seriously. “I will give my life for this child.”

 

Lauran chuckled. “How about taking her to the park first?”

 

Thor smiled. “It would be my honor.”

 

Lauran and Robert went out the door, Robert still not paying attention. Thor was holding Rosie on his hip, the little girl with her hand in her mouth.

 

“Bye Thomas! Bye Rosie!” Lauran waved and blew a kiss to her daughter. “We’ll be home by eleven! There is formula in the cupboard and important numbers on the fridge!”

 

“DO NOT WORRY MISS!” Thor nodded seriously “YOUR CHILD IS IN GOOD HANDS!”

 

Lauran smiled and with that the couple were off.

 

Rosie burbled where Thor had her against his hip. She kicked her little chubby legs, her tiny little feet covered with little pink socks. She reached for Thor’s beard curiously.

 

“Well then young miss!” Thor addressed the child and Rosie cooed. “WHAT SHALL WE DO TODAY?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy Y'all!
> 
> Now I know that I advertised this fic as featuring some spideypool and don't worry we'll get to it! I just couldn't help but have Thor and baby cuteness first!
> 
> Tell me what you think!


	3. In which a baby is taken to the park. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Thor's very first Nanny mission he takes his charge, baby Rosie to the park. Shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! sorry this took me so long to update! Finals yanno? Anywho have some cute as shit Nanny!Thor to take your minds off the suffering that is the finals season!

The God of thunder prepared for his quest. He had a midgardian duffel bag set out across the couch, Mjolnir was nestled next to a stack of baby diapers. He put thigh holsters over his black jeans and set a baby bottle in each. He lowered his sunglasses.

 

Rosie burbled where she was strapped to Thor’s chest, a pair of matching sunglasses over her eyes. “Bweh” Rosie stated.

 

“INDEED.” Thor agreed with the child, his hands to his hips. “I BELIEVE IT TO BE TIME!”

 

Thor slung his bag over his shoulder and opened the door to his client’s apartment. “Aye child.” He looked down at the baby strapped to his chest “Are thou ready? For I know not what the day holds for thee. It would behest you to consider carefully before thy takest this quest.”

 

The sunglasses slid down Rosie’s face and she blinked up at him. She kicked her little feet and reached for his beard. Thor nodded down at the child “I shall take that as a yes!”

  
  


Thor hummed as he jauntily walked to the park, little rosie bouncing with each step in her pack, looking out curiously at the city as it buzzed with life around them. The air was greasy and full of smoke. A woman with far too many dogs on leashes yelped as she jogged to keep up with the unruly pack practically dragging her down the sidewalk. Two hot dog vendors were yelling at each other in a language Thor did not recognize while making rude hand gestures at each other.

 

It other words it was New York.

 

Rosie burbled and stared wide-eyed at all the sounds and sights and smells.

 

“AH YES FAIR ROSIE.” Thor breathed in deeply and put his hands to his hips. “I LOVE THE SMELL OF MIDGARD IN THE SPRING.”

 

“Bweh.” Rosie put her hand in her mouth and kicked her little legs.

 

Thor quickly looked at his surroundings and calculated the shortest trip to the park. He nodded once the plan was laid out in his mind and stepped out-

 

-right into traffic.

 

Cars screeched as they swerved around the thunder god and his tiny companion. 

 

“HEY ASSHOLE WAIT FOR THE LIGHT”

“LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GOING”

“WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT A BABY?”

 

Cars screeched and swerved. One nervous driver took such a harsh turn to avoid Thor that he turned right into the corner, upsetting a newspaper stand and causing the hot dog vendor there to throw a bottle of mustard at him in indignation.

 

Rosie seemed heedless on the absolute chaos that unfolded around her and was instead focused on a tiny pink ribbon that had come loose from her little booties. She watched the tiny little ribbon bounce up and down, spellbound and trying to ascertain how best to get it into her mouth for a more thorough investigation. A tire rolled by and briefly tore her attention away from the ribbon, but that was only because the tire was also on fire. She went back to watching her ribbon.

 

Diego Ramirez was having a bad morning that particular day. He was driving a very large company van full of hardware while also munching on a poppyseed bun hot dog. Suddenly a harsh bump in the road knocked the hot dog out of his hand and onto the passenger side floor in a spray of mustard and spit.

 

“Son of a fucking bitch I swear-” He leaned down to retrieve the hotdog from the passenger side floor in a highly dangerous and highly illegal move but before you judge him too harshly children you must be aware that little on heaven or earth will come between an underpaid blue collar worker and his fucking hot dog.

 

One of these exceptions being of course, the Goddamn God of Thunder ™ slamming a hammer of legend through your engine block.

 

The van lurched forward as the engine was violently slammed through the undercarriage of the van by a block of magic Asgardian metal wielded by a very perturbed nanny. The van’s backside rose into the air with the force and the van arched above the heads of Thor and the cooing baby Rosie who clapped, thoroughly amused.

 

In the 0.5 seconds it took for the van to fly through the air Diego sat screaming in driver’s seat, a blonde man glared murderously, a baby strapped to the blonde man waved at him and his hotdog having been dislodged from it’s place on the floor hit him in the face.

 

Diego and the van landed roughly right-side-up on the other side of the street. Diego was dazed where he sat in the driver’s side. The hot dog was plastered to the side of his face oozing mustard. Thor jogged over to him. 

 

“KNAVE! Thor bellowed through the shattered van window. “DOST THOU NOT SEE THAT I AM WITH CHILD?”

 

Diego squinted at Thor. “...You’re pregnant?”

 

Thor took him roughly by his collar and gave him a good shake, dislodging the hotdog. “THE CHILD STRAPPED TO MY CHEST.”

 

Rosie paused chewing on one of her own feet to wave at the man.

 

Diego dazedly waved back.

 

Thor pushed Diego back into his seat. A crowd was beginning to form and a few passersby were beginning to record the interaction on their phones. Thor squinted at them and turned away.

 

“Wait!” Diego called from his van “Who are you?”

 

Thor smirked and flipped down his shades. “I’m just a nanny.”

 

It was a lucky bit of luck that Diego chose that moment to faint, drawing all of the crowd’s attention to him and allowing Thor to escape the scene.

 

The rest of the walk to the park was uneventful. 

 

Thor looked down at the child, the sound of sirens wailing quietly in the background. “Aye small one are thou unharmed?” Rosie looked up at him unconcerned and once again reached up to tug at his hair.

 

“You are of a most brave and noble constitution.” Thor remarked and smiled down at the tiny little girl. “You will with no doubt someday become a fine warrior. For I have seen grown men pale at such matters.” He mused.

 

When they reached the park an order strong enough to crinkle the God’s nose alerted him that the child indeed had soiled themselves and Thor went to a park bench to change the child.  Upon finding no changing cloth in the bag to set the child upon and finding the idea of setting fair sweet Rosie on the cold park bench unacceptable, Thor pulled his cape from the bag and laid it across the bench.

 

“If Loki could see this.” He chuckled to the child “I would ne’er hear the end of it.” 

 

Rosie’s tiny little fingers found purchase on Thor’s nose as he worked on the soiled diaper and he laughed while gently easing the tiny grabby hands from his face.

 

“No you may not have my nose.” He told the child seriously as he put on a fresh diaper and redid the little snaps of her onesie.

 

“But you can have this!” Thor waved a bottle in front of the child’s face and laughed at the way her eyes lit up and she immediately went to grab it.

 

Thor wrapped the child in his cape and fed her the bottle, humming asgardian songs  and patting the child’s back. Parents and fellow nannies talked with each other as they sat on neighboring park benches. Children squealed as they ran through the park.

 

“Mija you can’t just take birthday cake from a party you weren’t invited to, that is rude.”

“Jack don’t you dare jump down from that branch! Mommy is coming to get you DON’T MOVE.”

“No Ashley you can’t have ice cream for dinner. What do you mean your dad let you before???”

 

Thor chuckled and patted Rosie on the back gently to burp her. He remembered the long nights caring for Loki’s children. Fenrir was so cute as a puppy, Odin admonished him once when the young one chewed through his slippers but would always melt at the sight of Fenrir’s pout. Hel looked sickly even as a child and many long nights were spent with the healers as frigga fretted over the child’s sallow skin and dead eyes. They had long been unable to find a crib for Jörmungandr who simply slithered out of any crib he was put into and would hiss at any other than his uncle Thor and his father Loki.

 

Thor mused about his nieces and nephews until a little boy bounded up to Thor’s knees. Thor looked on in amusement as the child braced themselves against Thor’s knees to peer into the little bundle.

 

“IS THAT A BABY?” The little boy looked intently into the red cloth, their brown eyes bright under a fringe of curly dark hair.

 

Thor chuckled. “Aye.” He leaned down so that the child could get a better look at the baby sleeping inside.

 

The little boy looked up at Thor. “But you’re a dude.” they bunched their hands in their shirt and looked curiously up at Thor. “Dudes aren’t suppose-ta have babies”

 

Thor smiled down at the little boy and pointed at a figure on their shirt. “And who is that hmm?”

 

The boy looked down at their shirt excitedly and stretched out the fabric to show Thor better. “IT’S IRON-MAN HE’S A HERO!”

 

Thor nodded “Aye. So thou wishest to be a hero?”

 

“Yes!” The boy jumped up and down, his curly hair bouncing with him “PEW PEW PEW!” He laughed and pretended to shoot blasters from his hands.

 

“Aye shooting guns is all fine and well but does not a hero protect the innocent and the defenseless?”

 

The little boy nodded vigorously.

 

“Now what could be more innocent and defenseless than a baby?” Thor asked him and their eyes went wide.

 

“I GET IT!!!” The boy smiled widely “You’re like iron man!”

 

Thor rolled his eyes but smiled anyways. He had a retort on the tip of his tongue about Stark but he didn’t want to badmouth the man in front of a child who clearly adored him. “Aye child. Like iron man.

 

Next a little girl came up sheepishly. Her red hair came out wildly out from under a white dirt-smudged bunny ear hat. She had a green and white striped shirt and a pink tutu, on her feet were two little cowboy boots.

 

Thor smiled “Hello. And who arest thou child?”

 

“Olivia…” she answered quietly, tugging on one of the ears of her bunny hat.

 

“Aye! Olivia!” Thor nodded. “And how are you this fine day?”

 

Olivia smiled shyly and rocked back on her cowboy boots. “I dressed m’self today.”

 

Thor smiled at her “Well you did an excellent job” 

 

Olivia giggled and hid her freckled face, stomping her little cowboy boots happily.

  
  


Suddenly a scream on the other end of the playground stopped the children and the thunder God in their tracks.

 

Mothers screamed and yanked their kids off the playground, stampeding off the property.

 

“OLIVIA!” Someone screamed. “NO STOP WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER?”

 

“Daddy?” Olivia looked out into the crowd nervously. “DADDY?”

 

Thor rose from his seat to try and see what was creating the panic and Olivia clutched at his pants leg.

 

“I don’t see my mommy.” The little boy whispered, his tiny little shoulders hunched in fear, he looked frightened up at Thor, tears in his eyes.

 

“It’s ok Gabriel.” Olivia reached out and took his hand even though the little girl was obviously scared herself. “We’ll find them.”

 

Thor spotted figures shambling through the trees. With their bloodshot eyes and their blank expressions one might have at first confused them for common drug users, but the stench of rotting meat and the way their limbs fell apart have clue to their true nature.

 

“Zombies.” Thor hissed.

 

The children huddled together frightened behind Thor’s legs. Thor strapped Rosie back into the pouch on his front and pulled Mjӧlnir from the duffle bag. Mjӧlnir gleamed back at Thor, ready for battle.

 

Thor readied his hammer, the zombies screeched and lurched forward, the children behind him screamed and Rosie burbled happily in her pouch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you enjoyed! I fucking love hearing from people! Feel free to ask any questions you have or point out anything! You can also bug me on my tumblr (name spelled same as it is here!)


	4. Epic zombie fight guest starring Rosie the baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just about what it says on the tin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! Sorry I haven't updated for a while! Here is some epic zombie fights!

Thor readied his weapon, swinging it by it’s leather band as the zombies approached, groaning and hissing with each staggering step.

 

“Fear not children.” Thor boomed “For I shall protect thee!”

 

Thor uprooted the metal park bench he had been sitting on, the metal groaning before snapping off where it had been bolted to the park ground. Olivia and Gabriel stared in wide-eyed amazement as Thor held the bench above their heads before bending it with his bare hands.

 

Thor dropped the bench back to the ground where was now bent into a rough circle, the backrest of the bench forming the roof of what was now a small armored hut. Thor ushered both children inside.

“Stay here until I retrieve you.” Thor commanded as the children looked up at him in awe.

 

Olivia took Thor’s hand before he left. “Be careful mr. Nanny guy…” She looked up at him solemnly from under her bunny hat.

 

Thor smiled. “I will be alright. Thank you Miss.”

 

With the children safely secure Thor looked down at the baby strapped to his chest. “Well I can’t leave you alone can I? For Those children are admirable but I should not venture to leave you in their care... I suppose the safest place that you can be is strapped to mine chest fair Rosie…”

 

Rosie looked up at him and burbled.

 

“I shall keep that in mind.” Thor nodded down at her. He adjusted the straps on the baby pouch. 

 

“Today.” Thor told the child seriously. “Today you will learn the ways of the warrior.”

 

“Bweh.” Rosie stated.

 

Thor looked nervously down at her, tightening the baby pouch again.

 

Just in case.

 

A zombie lurched forward, their eyes large and hollow, their emaciated arms reaching for the thunder god and his charge. Thor swung his hammer by the leather strap, letting it gain momentum before letting it go.

 

The hammer slammed through the head of the first zombie as if it were a rotten pumpkin. The unfortunate zombie crumbled to the ground in a heap of rotting limbs. Mjolnir obediently zipped back to Thor’s hand.

 

The zombies paused to look at their fallen comrade briefly, a confused grunt going through their ranks.

 

“Well?” Thor asked the crowd of them. “Have at thee!”

 

The zombies shrieked and came at them, running limpidly as they came for the pair. Thor swung at a pair of them, ripping both zombies in twain in a splatter of intestine and dark congealed blood. The halves grumbled in discontent and pawed at their dismembered limbs.

 

Thor took one zombie by the throat and used it as a baseball bat, swinging the undead creature at its fellows and knocking a small group into a pile of still groaning limbs.

 

Thor held one zombie by it’s neck, squeezing the beast until it’s decaying eyes popped from its gnashing skull.

 

Rosie cooed with interest and grabbed for one of the slimy eyeballs swinging by the zombie’s gaunt cheek. The little thing came out of it’s place as Rosie took a firm grasp. She brought it closer towards her mouth for an inspection and-

 

“No. No. No.” Thor chastised her and quickly plucked the thing from her hands. He kicked out at the zombies, staggering them back in order to give himself enough time to take a baby wipe from his bag.

 

He cleaned the baby’s hands as she burbled disgruntled, disappointed to have lost her new slimy toy. “You don’t know where that has BEEN, my dear.”

 

So concerned with the cleanliness of dear, sweet Rosie a Zombie managed to get behind Thor, lunging for the God they managed to knock him off kilter and another wave of undead brought Thor to the ground. Mjolnir slipped from his hands and tumbled a bit away.

 

Thor was on his back, holding the zombies away as they gnashed and screamed, advancing upon him and the child. Thor grunted with the effort, the cords on his neck bulging. Rose screamed and began to cry.

 

“Gabriel!” Olivia looked frightened out from their hiding space. “Look!”

 

Gabriel gasped “The nanny guy!”

 

“He needs our help!” Olivia stomped her little cowboy boots in agitation “He needs that hammer thingy he dropped!”

 

Gabriel looked like he was going to cry “I’m scared ‘Livia…”

 

Olivia took his hand, her little eyes filling with tears too. “I’m scared too Gabriel but we gotta help!”

 

Gabriel nodded and held out his hand. “Together?” he whispered.

 

Olivia tugged down her bunny hat by the ears like a tiny general preparing for war. She took his hand “Together!”

 

Olivia and Gabriel crawled out of the hut, Thor strained against the zombies, Rosie was crying and Mjolnir was just a few feet away. With the zombie’s attention solely on Thor the children were able to crawl over to the hammer, trying their best not to make a sound.

 

They reached the hammer, both children tentatively reaching for the enchanted weapon and-

 

Olivia wound her tiny hand around the hammer and-

 

easily lifted it up. 

 

“Huh.” She mused. “It feels like plastic..” She gasped and giggled as lightning curled around her hands.

 

“Lemme see!” Gabriel took it from her hands, also lifting the hammer with ease. “Wow… you’re right it’s too light…”

 

Olivia took the hammer back. “Hey mister nanny guy!” she yelled.

 

Thor and the zombies both turned to look at her.

 

“Catch!” Olivia yelled and threw the hammer as hard as she could. The hammer whizzed through the air, the zombies turned towards Olivia and Gabriel, Rosie cried and-

 

Thor caught the hammer and with one deft move obliterated three of the zombies that had pinned him down, smashing the hammer through their skulls and ribcages.

 

He kicked one Zombie to the ground and stomped through its undead skull. He spun his hammer in a wide circle, smashing through knees and bringing them to the ground. He threw his hammer in such a blow that it crashed through the heads of four zombies that had the misfortune of standing in a row.

 

Finally with a dramatic blow to the temple, the final zombie was dead.

 

Thor stood above the wreckage, breathing heavily. He crushed a zombie skull under his boot.

 

“That should teach you.” he murmured. “To mess with a nanny.”

 

Gabriel and Olivia clapped. “That was SO COOL!” Gabriel shrieked and pumped his little fists “You were all like BLAM and then BAM and then POW! And then-”

 

Olivia took Thor’s hand. “I’m glad you’re ok Mr. Nanny guy..”

 

Thor stooped to the children’s level. “Thanks to you!” he congratulated them. Gabriel and Olivia giggled and looked towards each other with glee.

 

“I have no doubt that you two will make fine heroes in your own right.”

 

“Just like you?” Gabriel asked in awe. Olivia also looked expectantly at Thor.

 

Thor smiled and put a hand on each of their shoulders. “Nay children. BETTER than I.”

 

The kids smiled and giggled.

 

“MIJO!” a woman called and Gabriel perked up.

 

“MOMMA MOMMA!” He ran over to a latina woman who picked him up crying.

 

Thor put his hammer away as people began to come back into the park.

 

“OLIVIA!” a man rushed over to the pair and picked the little girl up.

 

“DADDY!” She squealed and kicked her little cowboy boots happily.

 

“I’m so sorry honey I’m so sorry!” the man blubbered, crying as he clutched his daughter. “I’m so sorry! Are you ok?”

 

Olivia smiled and patted her Dad’s crying face. “It’s ok Daddy. Mister Nanny guy kept us safe!”

 

The man turned to Thor and grabbed it by the hand, shaking it furiously up and down. “Thank you sir! Thank you so much!”

 

“Wait a minute…” Gabriel’s mom eyed Thor. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”

 

Thor froze in place. “Uh….no?...”

 

“Wait you’re right!” another member of the crowd that was beginning to form spoke up. “I’m sure I know his face!”

 

“Wait a minute!” Olivia’s dad snapped his fingers “I’ve got it!”

 

Thor broke out in a cold sweat.

 

“You’re Noah Synderguard!” The dad grinned at Thor. “Pitcher from the New York Met’s!”

 

Thor squinted at the man. “What?...”

 

The man didn’t seem to notice Thor’s confusion though and reached for his wallet, holding Olivia on a hip. He pulled a baseball card out.

 

“Oh man I can’t believe my favorite player just saved my daughter’s life! Would it be too much to ask for an autograph?”

 

 

Thor hummed. The midgardian did indeed have a striking resemblance with himself.

 

“Yes…” he took the card from the man. “...of course?”

 

He copied the midgardian name on the card and handed it back to the man who seemed over the moon with glee.

 

“Boo.” came a call from the crowd. “Mets suck go Yankees.”

 

About ten people pulled Mets baseball hats from their purses and backpacks, donned them and proceeded to pounce on the unfortunate Yankees fan. This meant that ten more people pulled out Yankee baseball hats and joined the fray, and then more Mets fans and then more-

 

Thor looked over the scene bemusedly, people were screaming, someone was pulling someone else’s hair and a trashcan had already been set on fire.

 

“...I should probably leave…” He mused, side-stepping out of the fray awkwardly as the brawl continued. Rosie burbled in agreement.

 

Thor arrived back at his client’s house, a bit scuffed up but no worse for wear. Little Rosie happily kicked her feet as they made their way to the front stoop.

 

Thor put Rosie down for a nap just as his client’s came back home.

 

The husband passed by Thor wordlessly and went straight to the couple’s bedroom, soon snoring could be heard from the other side of the door.

 

The wife sighed and put down her purse. She turned to smile at Thor. “Well? How was it?”

 

Thor grinned. “Oh you know… Car crashes, zombies in the park, epic battles for life and death.”

 

She grinned and laughed, swatting him gently on the arm. “Phht ok then Mr. Hero.”

 

She handed Thor his pay for the night. “Thank you so much. I’ll be sure to contact you next time we have a date night!”

 

Thor smiled and pocketed the bills. “That sounds lovely.”

 

 

Thor was leaving his client’s residence when a black and red suited figure dropped down from the roof above them.

 

What was no doubt intended to be a dramatic entrance was somewhat ruined when the figure’s ankle suddenly snapped from the high fall.

 

“SHIT FUCK!” the figure cursed. “FUCKING ANKLE! YOU RUINED MY COOL ENTRANCE!”

 

Thor quirked an eyebrow. “Deadpool?” he asked cautiously.

 

Deadpool hopped on his only good foot at the moment, the other foot hanging from his ankle at an odd angle. “HEY! THOR!” he greeted, he stretched his temporarily injured leg up like some sort of ridiculous red and black flamingo to rest it almost straight up against the brick of the alleyway. “HOW’S IT HANGING BUDDY?”

 

Thor laughed “All is well my friend! I am working now as a nanny!”

 

Deadpool nodded. “I kinda figured that when I saw you with the baby strapped to your chest!”

 

Thor glared at Deadpool. “So you saw all of that...and didn’t help.”

 

Deadpool shrugged. “You were doing great! And those kids lifting the hammer? Cute as fucking shit, if that doesn’t earn the ‘fluff’ tag on this work I don’t know what will.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Anywho…” Deadpool continued, leaning against his outstretched leg “I have a proposition for ya.”

 

Thor shrugged. “I’m listening.”

 

Deadpool’s ankle clicked back into place and the former mercenary crossed over to Thor “Well I need a babysitter and given both my status and Peter’s status as heroes…”

 

Thor nodded. “You would need someone who could handle who could handle such unsavory villains and enemies that our line of work produces.”

 

“Yeah that thing you just said.”

 

Thor laughed and clapped Deadpool roughly on the shoulder, almost toppling the former merc. “I SHOULD BE HAPPY THEN TO BE OF SERVICE!”

 

“HELL YEAH!” Deadpool pumped his fists “You start tomorrow!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :Y anywho tell me what you think! This was originally just supposed to be three or so chapters but it kinda exploded into something new! My friend is a Mets fan and told me about the running Joke in new York that the pitcher for the Mets- Noah Syndergaard is actually Thor and I had to include it!
> 
> For those of you that may be interested, because I've had people on my other fics ask me to tell them when I write something original, I will be posting chapters for an original work called "Mothwoman and the Professor" which is about solving supernatural crimes in Victorian London ;3 with my signature humor of course. So yeah if that seems like the kind of shit you would be into keep an eye out :V


	5. Science, helicopters and the return of the International Association of Nannies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Ellie do some science. Some cops have the weirdest experience of their lives. The International Association of Nannies is needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for not updating in forever! I have about 5 open fics right now and everyone deserves a little love yanno? Anywho I hope that this gives you some giggles!

Spiderman sat on the edge of the roof, his legs dangling over the edge. Looking over at the gleaming city below. He was nursing a gash on his arm, one end of a bandage in his teeth as he pulled it tight. He paused as something made itself known at the edge of his spidey-senses, Peter smiled.

“Hey Wade how many times are you gonna try and sneak up on me? You should know by now it doesn’t work.”

Deadpool groaned and trudged over-dramatically from behind a giant air conditioning unit for this building complex. “One day I’ll get you my little pretty!” Deadpool snickered like the Wicked Witch of the West and wiggled his fingers, his back arched dramatically like an old crone and sticking his jaw out in a severe underbite that could be seen under the mask “And your little butt too!”

Peter snorted.

Wade stepped forward, he looked over Peter and paused. “Ah shit baby boy…” He dropped the greasy bag of takeout he had been holding and immediately kneeled to tend to Spiderman’s wound. Peter leaned back to snag a burger out of the bag, munching as Wade seriously looked over the wound, worry pinching his brow.

“It’s just a scratch hun.” Peter said through a mouthful of food, accidentally spitting out a bit of lettuce and then immediately blushing and wiping his mouth, Aunt May at least TRIED to give him table manners. He’s a step-father now “I’ve had worse.”

Deadpool flicked him on the forehead and Peter laughed. “Yeah well don’t go making a habit of it.”

Peter raised his eyebrows under the mask and snorted “Are you really lecturing me on staying safe? What the fuck?”

Deadpool now satisfied with Peter’s bandaging work settled against his side and also took a burger from the bag. “Yeah well.” He bumped shoulders with him amicably. “Things are different when you have someone else depending on you to stay in once piece and un-burger-ified.”

Peter laughed and let himself slide from his shoulder and into Wade’s lap, looking up at the other man as he ate his burger. Wade was silhouetted by the moon, smiling down at Peter fondly. “Love you too dumbass.”

Wade laughed and took a burger from the bag. He touched the wrapped burger to Peter’s nose “Peter das gay.”

Peter glared up at him. “We’ve been dating for five fucking years Wade.”

“Das real gay.”

Peter laughed and reached up to smoosh his Burger in Wade’s face. Wade resisted and resorted to poking Pater in his ticklish ribs. This led to a short tussle, french fries strewn across the general area, laughing kicking and tickling. This ended with both men sprawled across the rooftop, breathless and happy, looking up at the stars.

Peter suddenly sat up straight with a shock. “SHIT IF YOU’RE HERE WHO IS STAYING WITH ELLIE?”

Deadpool wound one arm around Spiderman’s waist and forced him back down onto the rooftop. Peter settling back down onto the concrete roof hesitantly, still worried, but trusting Wade.

“Don’t worry.” Deadpool snuggled up to Peter “I got a sitter.”

Peter glared at him and huffed. “Wade I told you I’m not comfortable with leaving her alone without one of us.” He motioned to the gash on his arm “I don’t know why but we’re both getting targeted more often on patrol. Something is going on and until we figure it out Ellie should be with someone more powerful than some random teenager making cash on the side!”

Wade sat up. “Well I don’t like staying behind when I could have your back!” He motioned to Peter’s injured arm “Baby you don’t have our healing factor!” Deadpool waved his hands frustrated “I don’t want to be at home when any fucking schmuck with a knife could get lucky and-”

Peter wound his hands around the other man’s shoulders, rubbing lightly. Deadpool ran a rand over his eyes. “...could get lucky and kill you…”

Wade fell into Peter’s arms and Deadpool took a moment to just press his face against his shoulder. Peter rubbed his back lightly and rocked them both back and forth. Wade smiled into Peter’s shoulder. “Besides. I got someone that I think can handle it.”

Peter pulled back to look at Wade, an eyebrow arched. “Who?”  
  


Ellie sat on a bar stool in in the Parker/Wilson apartment kitchen. Her pigtails bobbed as she spun in the chair, looking boredly over the kitchen island at Thor, The God of Thunder, who was currently wearing one of her dad’s frilly pink aprons as he mixed something in a bowl.

“...So….” Ellie looked over at the God. “So nobody can lift your hammer that isn’t worthy huh?”

Thor looked over the mixing bowl at Ellie and smiled. “Aye. That is correct.”

Ellie put her elbows on the counter, her lips pursed and deep in thought. She looked over at the God’s hammer that was currently hanging innocently on the coat rack next to her red jacket and her dad’s gun belt. “So it’s not that it’s heavy...since if it was that heavy it would break the wood…” She gasped and pointed at the coatrack “OH MY GOD THE COATRACK IS WORTHY OF-”

Ellie stopped herself and lowered her finger. “No that’s stupid…”

Thor watched her amused as the little girl glowered at the hammer, biting her lip in thought.

“Ok so if the coat rack can hold the hammer, that means that things that are not people can hold it just fine…It’s only when a PERSON tries to hold the hammer.”

Thor nodded “Aye I believe that is correct. I have left Mjolnir on  countertops, on coat racks, on helicopters. These are all things that would break under immense pressure, things the hulk can lift or smash with ease, and as of yet he is unable to lift the hammer.”

Ellie perked up. “What if you put the hammer on a chair and then I moved the chair?”

Thor shrugged. “I cannot say to have tried this measure…” He smiled at Ellie “Let us try this feat!”

Ellie grinned and ran off to from the kitchen, obviously excited. Thor chuckled and retrieved his hammer from the coatrack. He spun it in his hands and readied himself.

Ellie came back grinning from ear to ear, she was wearing one of Peter’s lab coats and a pair of his glasses. She took out a sparkly pink Hello Kitty tape recorder. “ALRIGHT!” Ellie jogged back to Thor “Let’s do some science in this bitch!”

Thor squinted down at her, his hands on his hips. “Language.”

Ellie shrugged sheepishly up at Thor “Let’s do some science in this...place?”

Thor nodded and laughed. “Aye! I am very curious to the outcome myself!”

Ellie pushed up Peter’s glasses, she squinted through the thick lenses, her big brown eyes magnified. “Holy f- dad used to be BLIND.”

Thor raised an eyebrow “Then take them off.”

Ellie glared up at Thor, half-blind with the glasses “Excuse me these are SCIENCE glasses. How do you expect me to do SCIENCE without SCIENCE glasses?”

Thor relented, well you do need science glasses for science…

Ellie sat on the kitchen floor, Peter’s glasses sliding down her nose and a determined look in her eyes. She started the recorder. “Test 1- control test! To make sure that our results are genuine I will try to lift Thor’s hammer under normal circumstances!”

Thor sat on the floor with the child, surprised at this. “Are thou sure?”

Ellie nodded, her mouth pinched into a hard line. “I’m ready.”

Thor set down the hammer and looked over at Ellie. Ellie breathed deeply, staring down the hammer like a wrestler eying their opponent. She spat on her hands and reached for the hammer.

Thor hummed disapprovingly “That’s gross.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “You’ve punched through aliens with this, you’ve had much worse than little girl spit on this hammer.”

“It’s still gross.” Thor grumbled.

Ellie wiggled her fingers in preparation. She lunged for the hammer with a yell, she grunted and pulled her hardest, straining her muscles and gritting her teeth “COME ON. YOU STUPID. HAMMER!!!”

Ellie slipped on the kitchen tile with a yelp, she started to fall back before Thor reached over  and took her by an arm to keep her from hitting the floor. He sat her gently on the floor and Ellie immediately began to cry. She bit her lip between her teeth as fat frustrated tears rolled down her cheeks.

Thor pulled her into a hug and Ellie began to cry on his shoulder. “What is the matter?” Thor patted her back and brushed back her hair “You’re not hurt are you?”

Ellie sniffled and hiccupped “No...I was really hoping I could pick it up…”

Thor rocked her back and forth. “It is nothing to be ashamed of.” He put a piece of hair behind her ear. “The Hulk cannot lift this hammer…”

Ellie sniffed and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of Peter’s lab coat. “...The Hulk is pretty badass…”

Thor laughed and decided to let the profanity slide by this time “Aye child. The Hulk is very ‘Badass’. You can be badass and not lift the hammer.”

Ellie sighed. “....But why though? Those little kids you helped could lift the hammer...”

Thor shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck “Well if you were to lift the hammer what would the first thing you would do with it?”

Ellie smiled, wide and slightly unhinged and Thor was suddenly, very uncomfortably aware of just who’s daughter she was. Ellie giggled “I would go to Colin Jameson, this BRATTY boy in my class and SMASH him in the face!”

Thor sighed. “...So the first thing you would do would be to hurt a fourth grader?”

“Yeah but-” Ellie flexed her fingers maniacally, lost in her dreams of revenge “He’s SUCH a BUTT he really deserves it!”

Thor shook his head “It takes the honorable intention of a warrior. A protector… and Avenger to wield the hammer.”

Ellie snorted. “That last line was so cheesy.”

Thor laughed himself and clapped Ellie on the back “Aye! But it is true!” Thor raised a hand and wiped away the last of Ellie’s tears. “Should the need ever arise I believe that you will indeed wield it with ease. Until then though…” he pulled back to smile at her “Science?”

Ellie grinned and nodded back at him “Science!” she agreed.

Ellie pulled back and smoothed down her hair. “Alright so we know that I can’t lift the hammer on my own right now….”

“Aye.” Thor agreed.

Ellie tapped her lips and popped up from the floor, pulling a chair over. “Ok so we have established that I can move this chair. Put the hammer on the chair and let’s see if I can still move the chair.”

Thor nodded and raised the hammer, obediently setting it on the kitchen chair.

Ellie gritted and braced herself “Ok here we go!” She kicked the chair with all of her might and-

The chair and the hammer did not move.

Ellie pouted and put her hands on her hips. She growled. “THIS IS STUPID!” she kicked the chair in frustration and-

Both the chair and hammer tumbled to the floor.

Thor and Ellie gasped. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!!” Ellie jumped up and down.

Thor grinned, gobsmacked despite himself. “truly this is remarkable!”

Ellie sat on the floor next to the hammer. She picked up the Hello Kitty recorder and talked excitedly into it. “So if you try and move something with the PURPOSE of moving the hammer you can’t do it! But if you move something without the purpose of moving the hammer-”

Thor grinned and clapped Ellie on the back “Then the hammer can indeed be moved!”

Ellie screamed into the tape recorder “THAT’S why Hulk can throw Thor when Thor is holding the hammer! That is why a helicopter can take off when the Hammer is inside! The hammer makes a decision based on the person TRYING to move it!”

Ellie jumped up and down excitedly and Thor gave her a half hug “This is some excellent science young miss Wilson!” he grinned at her “Your fathers would be proud.”

Ellie twirled the Hello Kitty recorder in her hand she arched an eyebrow and shot Thor a couple of finger guns. “Suck my dick science!”

Thor flicked her on the forehead. “Language.” he chastised gently.

Ellie batted his hand away and laughed. She turned to Thor excitedly “So someone can move the hammer if they don’t know they are moving the hammer?” Ellie pulled on her pigtails “Like if you put it in a box and the person doesn’t know that the hammer is in a box can they move the hammer?”

Thor put his hands on his hips and glared at the hammer “I cannot say. Though how shall we test it? Fore both you and I would know that there was a hammer in the box…”

Ellie looked up at Thor, her eyes wide. “I think I have an idea!”  


 

Carl hummed as he wheeled his hotdog cart down the sidewalk. He was a portly man with a thick grey mustache wearing a white apron. It had been a long day and he was looking forward to a nice night at home. He had a plastic baggie with hotdog pieces in the pocket of his apron as a treat for the orange tabby, lovingly named “Ginger” that he had back home at his apartment. He was pushing his cart across a curb when he accidentally pushed the cart into someone’s shin.

“Oh I’m sorry about that.” Carl pushed up his glasses “I didn’t hurt you did I-”

A very tall blonde man and a little girl stood in front of his cart. They both wore matching trench coats with large black novelty stick-on mustaches. The little girl had hello kitty sunglasses and the man had a baseball cap on. Carl thought the man looked like Noah Synderguard, pitcher for the New York Mets, but he couldn’t be sure…

Carl was debating asking for an autograph when the little girl slammed a hand onto his hotdog cart. “EY PAL.” She told him in a very bad exaggerated brooklyn accent “ONE DOG FOR ME AN THE FELLA.”

“Aye.” The blonde man answered before the little girl elbowed him in the stomach. “I mean-” He fidgeted under his baseball cap “Ah...YEA ONE DOG FOR ME AN THE LADY BUB.” He tried his best to imitate a New York accent but failed miserably.

Carl raised his eyebrows at the pair. Well a couple of hotdogs couldn’t hurt… “Alright two hot dogs coming up...but I have to get this cart back to the lot before the night is out.”

“Yeah. Need to get back to the Mrs do ya?” The little girl put an arm on his hot dog cart and smiled under her fake mustache. “My old lady is a real ball-buster.” She continued in her mock gruff new yorker accent “Wants alimony payments and shit. She’s at her mother’s with the twins up in Queen’s.”

Carl was pretty damn sure that this ten year old girl didn’t have an ex-wife and children, but he went with it anyways.The kid was actually really cute and it’s not the weirdest thing to happen to him. It’s New York, he once saw a guy in an off-brand Elmo costume get into a knife fight with a drag Queen in time’s square. That was one weird hanukkah.

Carl let the little girl chatter about a “Ball-breaking ex-wife” she didn’t have, as he made the pair of them a couple of hot dogs. “Anyways-” The little kid continues “That’s why my kids won’t talk to me anymore.” the little girl drops to her knees dramatically “WHY HELEN? WHY?”

Carl was debating whether or not he should be concerned, when the little girl quickly got over her dramatic scene and pointed at something to the left “HOLY CRAP A DISTRACTION!”

Carl looked and by the time he turned back both the man and the little girl were gone. A plain cardboard box was now sitting on the edge of his hot dog stand. A hot dog in each hand, Carl looks down the street on either direction. “Ummm...Little girl? Noah Synderguard of the New York Mets? Hello?”

Carl looked at the innocuous cardboard box. He reached for it and-

He tested the box’s weight in his hands. It felt like it was empty. He put an ear to it and shook it. Something clattered and clunked inside. Huh.   


 

Ellie and Thor jumped up and down happily in a nearby alley. Ellie ripped off her fake mustache. “HECK YEAH! TESTING CONFIRMED!”

Thor smiled next to her, peeking at the hot dog vendor who bemusedly shook a cardboard box containing one of the most powerful relics of the known universe. “If one cannot see it, and does not know it is there, then they can in fact move it! The Hammer does not reject them if they don’t know they have it!”

Ellie grinned and spoke into her tape recorder. “You heard it here first folks! That is some Grade A- science!” She began to walk out of the alley “Alright let's get it back from the hot dog guy…”

A cop car pulled over by the hot dog stand and Carl stopped shaking the box long enough to greet the two cops! “Oh! Hello Lola! Hello Vincent!”

A tall latina police woman stepped out of the car, she had a big gap between her two front teeth which looked absolutely charming as she smiled. She had long black hair that was tied back into a ponytail and a sprawling rose tattoo peeked out from the sleeve of her uniform. Her partner was more surly bowling ball than man, short and round and with intimidatingly bushy eyebrows that gave him the appearance of glaring disapprovingly at everything.

The woman, Lola skipped to the cart and sat on the edge of it, grinning at Carl “Soooooo has there been anything interesting while you were out and about Carl?”

Carl chuckled and got to work making Lola her favorite hot dog. “A little girl in a fake mustache but that’s about it, nothing as interesting as that time with the Drag Queen and the guy in the Elmo costume… How’s your grandmother Lupita?”

Lola took the hot dog with relish (pun!) and began to eat “Well nothing tops the thing with the drag queen and the elmo costume...except maybe that thing with the goats.” She said through a mouthful of hot dog. She winked at Carl “Also Grandma is fine! She’s gotten a job as a nanny! She still talks about you lover boy!”

Carl blushed. He suddenly remembered the cardboard box “Oh and someone left this here. Do you think you could take it to city lost and found for me?”

Lola grinned and hopped off the cardboard box “SIR YES SIR!” She took the box from him and trotted back to the car, wiping mustard from her mouth. She threw the box into the back of the patrol car and jumped back into the front seat. “Come on Vinnie! We can drop this off and get a coffee from the break room.”

Ellie and Thor gaped as the Police car began to drive away.

“Crap.” Ellie whispered.  
  


Lola sat in the front of the police cruiser as her partner drove. Vincent glared at her as she put her feet on the dash. Lola looked back at him. “What? My boots are clean I swear.”

Vincent grumbled at her, his formidable eyebrows pinching together. “Shouldn’t we make sure that cardboard box isn’t a bomb or something?” He grumbled lowly.

Lola rolled her eyes. She reached a long arm into the back seat, opening the grate that kept the usual drunks in the back. He pulled back the box and put it in her lap.

“Careful with that!” Vincent grumbled at her “You don’t know what it is!”

Lola grinned and shook the box “OOOOOOOOOO! I’M SHAKING IT!”

Vincent hisses and put a hand out to stop her, swerving in the road and getting honked at “Lola Anna Rodriguez you stop that this minute!”

“OOOOO MIDDLE NAMES!” Lola laughed and raised the box above her head “YOU AREN’T MY REAL DAD!”

Vincent glared at her, his bushy eyebrows drawn into a pinched and disapproving line. Lola laughed and brought the box back down “Fine. Fine. Let’s see what’s in the box…”

Just as Lola began to open the box, a cab pulled out suddenly in front of the cop car. Vincent braked suddenly and the Hammer flew out from the box, through the opened grate separating the front and back seats and into the sticky back seat.

Lola turned to look through the grate and Vincent swore at the cabbie. The hammer gleamed from the backseat of the cop car, the Asgardian metal seeming to glow in the near darkness, the leather strap at it’s handle shaking as the car moved.

“Huh…” Lola looked at the hammer “It’s one of those toy Thor hammers they sell at the giftshop by Stark tower…”

Vincent harrumphed.

Lola eyed the hammer. “And a darn good one too, this must have been a gift for someone’s kid…”

Vincent was still trying to navigate traffic “Just get it back up here.” he grumbled.

Lola reached back and took a hold of the handle. “It’s stuck.”

“What do you mean it’s stuck?”

Lola huffed and pulled as hard as she could “I MEAN THAT IT’S STUCK”

Vincent turned back to look at where his partner was still trying to pull the hammer, the cop car was stuck in gridlock traffic when a little girl in a trench coat, pigtails and a fake mustache clamored onto the hood of the cop car and began to scream. Both cops turned back startled and gave a startled yelp of their own as the little girl simply sat on the hood of the car and screamed.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Both cops and kid screamed in unison.

Vincent and Lola were taken aback, their hands to their ears. “Hey kid!” Vincent opened the dar door “What do you think that you’re-”

“YOU!” The little girl pointed a tiny finger at the old cop “YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SLEPT WITH MY EX-WIFE HELEN!”

Vincent reeled back “What?”

The little girl kept pointing at him, her other hand curled in a righteous fist “WE HAD A DIVORCE BECAUSE OF YOU!”

Lola looked on at the strange sight and almost missed the blonde man that was sneaking into the back of the cop car. She looked back at him, his blue eyes wide and a fake mustache on his upper lip.

Lola squinted. “....Noah Syndergaard?”

The man yelped and grabbed the hammer, exiting out the other side of the cop car and beginning to make a run for it.

“Wait!” Lola got out of the car herself “Stop!”

The man picked up the little girl who was still yelling about how her twins needed therapy after what officer Vincent Malone did, he put her over his shoulder and began to run.

“OFFICERS RODRIGUEZ AND MALONE TO DISPATCH WE ARE FOLLOWING A BLONDE MAN IN A TRENCHCOAT DOWN FIFTH POSSIBLE KIDNAPPING-”

Lola and Vincent chased the man, Vincent quickly falling behind, huffing and puffing. The more athletic Lola followed the man, jumping over the hoods of taxis and towncars through the traffic.

The little girl shook her tiny fists “And then Helen had the GALL to-”

The man ran into an alley, Officer Rodriguez was close behind and-

Nobody was in the alley, only a single dumpster and a stray cat that hissed and ran.

Lola looked wide-eyed through the alley. She went back to her radio “Dispatch I have lost the individual at 5th and-” She jogged back out of the alley, continuing to relay information to dispatch, wondering where the hell they went and what the crap to put in her report.  
  


Thor and Ellie laughed where they sat on the rooftop above the alley, their hair still mussed from the quick flight they had taken to the roof.

“Oh my god!” Ellie giggled and turned to her side, ripping off her fake mustache “That was so fun!”

Thor laughed next to her and ripped off his own fake mustache. “Aye. Though I wish not to try a similar venture.”

“Wuss.” Ellie giggled and punched Thor playfully.

Thor put Ellie on his back and Ellie laughed and kicked her feet playfully as they made their way back home to the Parker/Wilson apartment. Ellie yawned and began to doze off as Thor walked, leaning her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes. Thor smiled back at her fondly.

Thor unlocked the apartment and put his hammer back on the coat rack. He put Ellie on the couch who murmured sleepily and curled up in her trench coat, smiling under her fake mustache.

Thor made her a sandwich in order to get some sort of dinner into the child, and Ellie woke up to eat it sleepily and change into her teenage mutant ninja turtles pajamas. Thor made sure she brushed her teeth and tucked her into bed. He smiled at the little girl as he clicked off the lights and closed the door. He settled onto the couch and pulled out a book from his duffel bag and began to read. He looked up when he heard the sound of a helicopter and-

Two thick cables shot into the room, through the windows from a helicopter, barbed hooks embedded themselves into the opposite walls of the apartment with a crunch of. Glass flew through the room. Thor jumped up from the couch just as a stream of dark-suited men came through the window, pouring in like beetles. They had dark black streamlined armor, brandishing some sort of odd symbol on their fronts.

Thor raised his hammer and the soldiers began to fire. Dark streamlined guns separated their black ceramic-like segments, glowing blue with an odd sort of pulsating energy between the seams. Thor deflected most of the shots with his hammer, the wallpaper of the apartment quickly becoming singed. The ones that landed he could feel through his whole body, radiating through him with with searing pulsating energy.

Thor fought off the minions, taking a volley of shots as he swung his hammer, throwing a trio of minions through the wall of the apartment into the adjacent one. A woman screamed as a minion crashed through her bathroom wall, smashing her mirror and immediately slumping over unconscious as she showered. Thor peeked his head through the hole in the wall “My apologies miss.” He smiled and dragged the minion back into the apartment.

Ellie screamed and Thor turned back to see the little girl being dragged back to the helicopter, struggling and kicking she took a bite at the exposed wrist of one of the assailants and the man howled with pain.

Thor yelled and brought his hammer down, the shock shattered the kitchen tile and knocked a crowd of the villains down. More rushed in, their guns drawn. Thor was hit again and again with volleys of the odd plasma, he howled with pain. Bringing his hammer up in a wide arc he knocked a minion through the roof of the apartment, howling and surrounded with the God’s lightning.  


 

Peter and Wade sat on the edge of a building, enjoying their hamburgers when they saw a flash of lightning. A man exploded from a nearby apartment complex, yelling through the night before falling back down to earth.

“Was that?....” Wade squinted at the odd sight and cocked his head. “Was that a guy?”

Peter dropped his burger “Fuck it’s coming from the apartment!”

The couple dropped the greasy fast food and began running towards the apartment complex.

 

Thor yelled and lunged for the man dragged a very belligerent Ellie towards the helicopter. “THY SHALL NOT TAKE MY CHARGE!”

Minions blocked his path, he tore through them, but for every one he cut down two seemed to take their place.

“THOR!” Ellie screamed from inside the helicopter before a hand was put back over her mouth.

Thor looked up, panic in his eyes, he yelled and squared his shoulders, charging through lines of minions like a bowling ball. The helicopter began to pull up from the apartment. Thor took a running jump from the apartment window, his hammer helping to keep him aloft as he soared over the busy street below. He slammed into the helicopter, knocking it off tilt, scraping into the brick of the apartment building across the street, jostling Ellie and the minions inside.

“Yeah!” Ellie grinned maliciously at the minion sitting next to her “You’re in SO much trouble!”

Phil the minion gulped. He didn’t sign up for this shit. What kind of fucking babysitter did these guys hire?

 

Thor bounced off the helicopter and to the wall of Peter and Wade’s apartment building, bracing himself against the brick. A sheen of energy shimmered over the helicopter, radiating outwards from where he had hit it like an oversized soap bubble.

Thor growled and swung his hammer. “Very well then.” His eyes blazed “If I cannot get in then I must be sure that you cannot leave!” Thor raised his hammer and flew above the helicopter. When he was above the cockpit he let himself drop, slamming down into the helicopter as she landed, blue radiating off from his touch, the helicopter began to be forced downwards. “LET!” Thor swung the hammer viciously his word punctuated by furious blows “ELLIE!” He swung again, his hammer forcing the helicopter down further “GO!”

Something whirred and spun inside of the machine and Thor looked up just in time to come face to face with a canon.

“Oh-”

The canon fired, electric blue energy streaming out and pushing Thor off of the helicopter, slamming him into a nearby building hard enough to crumble the brick and push Thor into the living room of a grandmother who had been knitting. Thor groaned where he laid on the other side of the old woman’s couch. The woman hummed, fiddled with her hearing aid for a moment and went back to knitting.

Before Thor could compose himself the helicopter flew away, much faster than any normal helicopter should be able to, streaming blue energy as it went.

Spiderman and Deadpool arrived at the apartment, Peter swung into his now destroyed living room, Wade on his back.

“No no no no!” Peter grabbed his hair through his mask “Ellie!” He went to her room, went to each room, calling her name all the while.

“Baby girl!” Deadpool dug through the rubble frantically “Baby are you here?”

Peter looked out of the smashed wall, noticing a hole in a building nearby “Wade look!”

Wade and Peter shared a look, scared and determined. Peter took a hold of Wade’s waist and used his webbing to swing to the next building. They both landed in the old woman’s living room. Thor coughed and sat up, clutching his abdomen.

“Thor?” Spiderman arched an eyebrow under his mask “Why are you-”

Wade waved off the question “He’s our nanny.”

“Really?”

Thor coughed “There was. A helicopter. I do not know from which organization they hail from but the technology is advanced.”

Peter and Wade shared a look. Peter immediately took out his cell phone “I’m calling Tony. We can track where it goes.”

Deadpool nodded. “We’ll follow those fuckers. Get everyone we can.”

Peter nodded “The Avengers.”

Thor nodded “Aye. And the International Association of nannies.”

"What?"  


Lupita Rodriguez, grandmother and recent graduate of the nanny certification course was knitting, sitting on a rocking chair and looking over a crib, a sleeping baby murmuring. Her phone buzzed and she pulled out the outdated flip phone to look at a recent text. She gasped and stood up suddenly. “The children!” Her tiny accented grandma voice quivered with determination. “They need me!” She made a call “Lola….Abuela needs your help...don’t sass me child.”

Megan Johnson, high school sophomore, voted most likely to have braces in adulthood was sitting on the couch doing her chemistry homework. She got a text and gasped. “Oh my gosh!” she rose from the couch “Mom! I gotta go save a kid from an evil organization!”

“Ok.” A voice answered from the kitchen “Pick up some milk on your way back, Pumpkin.”  


 

A woman was in a dojo, wearing black sweatpants and a black tank top, rhythmically punching and kicking a training dummy, the ferocity of her kicks shaking the unfortunate dummy violently. Sweat beaded on her brow, she growled and continued to attack the dummy savagely.

Her phone buzzed on a nearby counter top, next to a plastic baby doll. She paused her work to look at the incoming text. Fire burned in her eyes as she read the text. She clenched her fist in determination.

And “International association of nannies” logo hung over her desk, a cartoon woman holding a baby and smiling. Next to the over-sized logo, racks of katanas, knives and various guns gleamed, all expertly polished and maintained.

She turned to the baby doll on her desk. “Well Jonina. It seems that a child needs us.” The baby doll didn’t answer, only looking back at her with dull plastic painted eyes. The woman clenched her fists again “We have prepared for this day.”

The woman stood up, in the city lights coming from the window we could see that it was none other than the nanny instructor that taught Thor, director of The International Association of Nannies. She turned to a nearby full-size babinet and opened it, a dark battle suit gleaming from the cabinet, surrounded by guns, swords and shuriken.

She turned to the baby-doll on her desk. “Remember Jonina, guns are not toys. Mommy has been trained that’s why I can use them.”

The baby doll still didn’t answer.

She pressed a button on her desk. “PREPARE THE HELICOPTER.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT
> 
> That teacher has some legitimate problems not gonna lie. Anywho I hope you enjoyed! Comment if you liked! I love hearing from people and I always try to answer! I'm also available on tumblr by the same user name as you see here!
> 
> Outie mofos! I gotta update some homestuck shit and "Deadpool and Harley Quinn BFFS 5-ever" But you bettah believe that more updates are coming!


	6. A daring rescue! Wait fu-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers stage a daring rescue to get back dear Miss Eleanor Camacho!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy! Sorry this installation is a little bit late. Some of y'all know that I work as a dispatcher at an overnight security office, it's usually pretty quiet and I write fanfiction to keep myself awake, but lately DEAR FUCKING LORD PEOPLE NEED TO CALM DOWN.
> 
> Oh the stories I could tell you.
> 
> Dear. Fucking. GOD.
> 
> Anywho! I hope you enjoy! There will be some mild canon-typical violence regarding some hapless minions just fyi if that ain't ya thang.

 

Spiderman, Deadpool and Thor regrouped to Avenger’s tower to gather allies and supplies. Spiderman and Deadpool were raiding weapons lockers, packing every weapon, (or in Spiderman’s case webslinger refills) they could feasibly fit in their belts or strap onto their backs with a quiet sort of seething determination. Wade pocketed a couple of grenades with the express purpose of shoving them up the ass of whoever was behind this. Tony Stark and Natasha were there, sitting on a couch as Thor finished debriefing them on the situation.

“Wait wait wait.” Tony had a half glass of whiskey, sloshing around as he moved his still-armored hands, having just come back tired from a battle and wanting nothing more but to take a shower and fall asleep cradling a bottle. He put one hand to his forehead to try and will away a headache blooming behind his eyes “You’re telling me that YOU the God of fucking Thunder are a fucking nanny now?”

Thor sighed, his mouth pressed into a hard line. “Friend, that is not the important part of this tale.”

Tony’s brows furrowed and he took another sip of alcohol “Yeah but...You’re a nanny? What the fucking hell…” He imagined Thor in a pink apron and heels for a moment and nearly choked on his drink.

Thor crossed his arms, frowning down at Tony with a look of abject disappointment that has stopped enemies on the battlefield, and raging toddlers alike in their tracks “It is good and honorable work. Stark.”

Tony sighed and ran the back of his hand across his forehead, his eyes squeezed shut “And now you’re calling up a secret society of ultra militant nannies to save Deadpool’s daughter from an unknown organization?”

Deadpool groaned impatiently, tilting his head back dramatically and stomping his feet like a petulant child. He whirled around to glare at Stark, a machine gun pilfered from the Avenger’s armory in his hands “I don’t fucking care if he calls in Madonna, The New York Mets, and Santa Claus! Ellie is out there! She must be so scared right now!”  


In a helicopter heading to an ultra secret villain lair, Ellie Camacho screamed. She had been handcuffed to the wrist of a minion in an effort to keep her under control. She used the link between them as if it was a string on a puppet, forcing the minion’s hand back and forth in savage strokes, forcing the unwilling appendage to hit himself in the face over and over again.

“STOP HITTING YOURSELF! STOP HITTING YOURSELF!” She screamed in righteous fury.

It took three other minions to finally pry her off the bruised and unfortunate man, Ellie kicking and screaming and biting the whole while.

 

Deadpool sniffed, clutching the gun to his chest and resting a cheek against it as if it was his daughter. “My poor, sweet, little angel.”

Natasha sighed “We need to make sure that this is done right. The fact that this was a kidnapping, and not an assassination attempt, means that they need her alive. Thor I know you mean well but calling a group of….militant nannies….may be unwise. These are civilians and while they may have good intentions it-”

Natasha was cut off as a bright light shone through the penthouse window at the top of the Avenger’s tower, blinding the group momentarily with a flash of white light. Blinking away the temporary blindness they could see that a helicopter hovered there, a cartoon woman holding a cartoon baby was plastered against the side of the horrendously hot-pink helicopter along with the “International Association of Nannies” logo.

The side door of the helicopter slid open and a woman dressed in black tactical gear leaned out of the ridiculous nanny-themed helicopter, her black ponytail fluttering in the breeze dramatically, a determined look in her eyes and baby doll strapped to her back. She took out a pink megaphone also emblazoned with the “International Association of Nannies” logo. “DID SOMEBODY CALL A NANNY?”

The woman took a running jump into the window, a mechanized gauntlet coming to life around her wrist with a bluish glow of advanced mechanisms. The machinery hummed and she punched through the window with a dramatic explosion of glass. Those inside of the room yelped and stepped back from the window as glass flew into the room like sequins tearing from a drag queen’s dress. The woman was kneeling. Her fist was to the now cracked floor in the classic pose of power. Her eyes were aflame with righteous fury, the cords of her muscles showing through her black tank top. The baby doll still strapped to her back squeaked and stared blankly. She looked up at the others with a sharp manic grin, flipping her ponytail back, glass flicking out of her hair with the action.

“OH WHAT THE HELL!?” Tony threw up his arms “I WOULD HAVE OPENED THE DOOR IF YOU ASKED!”

Deadpool arched a brow. “Really?”

Tony sighed and looked away with a moody huff “No...but still.”

The woman straightened herself off and brushed glass off her shoulder as if this was something she did every Tuesday night. Considering that she had flown here in her personal hot pink helicopter, that very well may have been the case.

Natasha’s eyes widened with shock before she schooled her features into a more neutral expression. “Scorpion.” She stated coldly, her eyes flicking over the woman with a calculating look.

The woman tensed at the name and turned to face the spy. She huffed and regarded Natasha with an equally cold disposition “Black Widow.”

Deadpool leaned down between them, the whites of his mask comically round and wide, one hand pointed at each of them. “You two...know each other?”

Natasha motioned towards the nanny “She’s a member of Sayeret, also known as the Israeli special forces. That was until she apparently went insane and dropped out of the international spy game.”

“HA!” The woman-Thor’s nanny instructor-or um Scorpion-or whatever-laughed and put her hands on her hips “Insane? Or MORE SANE?” She tapped her hand against her temple with a wide grin. She turned to the baby doll strapped to her back “Isn’t that right Jonina?”

The baby doll didn’t answer.

It didn’t answer because if was fucking plastic.

This woman was talking to a fucking plastic baby doll.

Tony Stark grimaced, leaning away from the obviously insane woman “Riiiiight…” He took a hold of Natasha’s elbow and steered her away from the group. “Ok so it feels really weird to be the voice of reason right now…. Usually I’m the one doing stupid shit...” Tony sighed “But I just have to stress how BAD of an idea this is.” He put a hand to his chest “And that is coming from ME. ME, the undisputed emperor of bad ideas.”

“Wrong!” Deadpool chimed in from the background, cupping his hands around his mouth “I took your crown years ago!”

Tony paused only long enough to flip Deadpool off before turning back to Natasha. Natasha shrugged “I don’t mind getting help Tony…” She motioned to the tower around them with a hand “Cap and Bruce are still off doing...whatever the fuck they’re doing in Iceland…”

“Is it aliens?” Tony looked off to the side in thought, pausing for a moment “...It’s probably aliens...It’s usually aliens…” He shook his head to dispel his revelry “Whatever! If Cap was here he wouldn’t let us go! You all listen to Cap.”

Natasha shrugged “Yeah? Well he’s not here. That means I make the rules.”

Tony squinted at her, crossing his arms “Since when is that how it goes?”

Natasha gave him a flat look.

Tony shook his head hurriedly “Not that I’m saying it’s a bad rule! No! No! uh…Ma’m....boss? Just let me make it clear that this is quite possibly, the worst fucking idea that any of us have-”

“TOO LATE I’M ALREADY IN THE HELICOPTER!” Deadpool screamed from outside the tower. Deadpool was in fact, already sitting inside of the helicopter. He waved cheekily to the rest of the group.

Spiderman sighed longsufferingly, his shoulders dropping. He looked up from the web cartridges he had been stockpiling “God fucking dammit Wade.”

Natasha shrugged as she looked out at the hot-pink helicopter. Things were already so weird, this might as well be a thing that happened in her life.“He’s already in the Helicopter Tony.” She deadpanned.

Tony growled “Then get him OUT of the Helicopter!”

Spiderman sighed and walked past them, hoisting an extra utility belt over his shoulders “Too late he’s already in the helicopter.”

Scorpion laughed and did a cartwheel out of the smashed window, ending with a backwards acrobatic jump into the helicopter. “IN THE HELICOPTER!”

“BUT WH-” Tony sputtered. “Shouldn’t we wait for Cap? Or Hulk? I can get our own helicopter! Why would y-”

Thor grinned and ran to the window, raising his hammer and floating out, his cape billowing behind him and silhouetted by the floodlights of the helicopter “IN THE HELICOPTER!” He bellowed triumphantly.

Natasha stalked over to the open window, her boots clinking musically against the broken glass on the floor from the window, she turned to Tony “What about ‘in the helicopter’ did you not understand?”

Tony sighed and followed suit, flipping down the visor on his helmet “This is fucking stupid.” He growled, his voice electronically filtered through the suit. “This is stupid. You’re all stupid and I hate you…” He took one last look at the hot pink helicopter with the International Association of Nannies logo on the side “And I guess I’m stupid too for going along with this. Fuck.”  


 

Tony Stark crossed his arms grumpily. He was sitting in the Helicopter in his full Iron man suit, an elderly Hispanic woman in full tactical gear sat next to him, knitting placidly.

Iron man growled. “I still think this is fucking stupid.”

Lupita’s brow furrowed and she paused her knitting long enough to smack his arm “No swearing.” she chastised.

Megan wheezed through her braces, flipping down a tactical visor, looking at the heat signatures of the passengers around her, their silhouettes glowing blue and yellow and orange. Looking at Thor she saw his thermal readings were off the chart, a nearly perfectly yellow outline against the blue of the helicopter.

“Um hey…” Megan tapped her fingers together nervously, looking off to the side, her braces glinting in the low light of the passing city as she grimaced “Thomas...That’s not just a neat costume... is it?”

Thor frowned and shook his head “Nay child. Forgive me for my deceit. I am indeed Thor, son of Odin the Allfather and God of Lightning and Thunder. I who have lived for thousands of years, fought countless battles across the universe, across countless planes of existence, against foes who could fit all of midgard on the nail of their thumb. I have seen the impossible, gazed beyond the realm of reality, held in mine hand the very fabric of the universe, and wielded unfathomable power of which your world has yet to encounter.”

Megan grinned and pushed up her glasses “Neat!”

Lupita reached across the aisle, pausing her knitting to pat Thor’s knee. “It’s ok Mijo…” She smiled sweetly and took a bag of cookies from her purse “Want one? They’re chocolate chip!” she gave Thor a smile and a wink “Abuela’s secret recipe.”

Thor smiled and reached into the bag of cookies eagerly with a bit of a bow. “I thank you heartily Miss Lupita.”

Scorpion leaned back from the co-pilot’s seat to look back at Thor with a shrug. “We probably should have figured it out when we were practicing CPR and you did defibrillation without any paddles…”

Thor grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck, still munching on a cookie. “I will admit that was not my most...subtle of moments.”

Tony sighed and pulled down his mask as Lupita tried to offer him a cookie. “Jarvis. Please tell me we’re close. I don’t know how much more of this I can stand.”

Jarvis chimed online, the electronic voice’s british accent filling Tony’s helmet “Are you sure you do not want a cookie sir? Scans of your biometrics show that you have eaten little this morning, say for a snack-sized pack of hot cheetos, three glasses of whiskey, and half a jar of preserved maraschino cherries.”

Tony growled as Lupita tapped the cookie against his face mask. “Ok first of all is that judgement I hear in your voice Jarvis? Stop it. Second of all, maraschino cherries TECHNICALLY count as a fruit, technically it’s nutritious, and third I’m not going to eat the fucking cookie.”

“I’m only looking out for you sir.” Jarvis explained placidly as Lupita tapped the cookie against the Iron Man mask with increasing insistence, making dull thunks sound through the inside of the helmet as it was tapped with the confection.

“Yeah, yeah fucking whatever.” Tony rolled his eyes “So tell me about the bad guy helicopter and where it is going.”

“Shouldn’t this have been figured out before you hopped into a helicopter?”

Tony leaned back and thunked his armored head against the wall of the Helicopter with a groan. Lupita shrugged and set the cookie down on his face plate with a grandmotherly pat, the pastry balancing there. “It wasn’t my idea Jarvis! They were already in the helicopter!”

“I am disappointed in you sir. If all of your friends went into a stranger’s helicopter would you do it too?”

“That’s EXACTLY what happened! Now enough sass and tell me about the bad guy’s helicopter!”

Jarvis sighed electronically, and a readout of the city showed on the inside of Tony’s helmet. Glowing blue lines tracked the trajectory of the enemy helicopter. “The ‘bad guys’ as you so aptly referred to them, are using technology salvaged from the original alien attack in New York. This fortunately means that I am very much familiar with their energy signatures.”

Numbers scrawled across the inner screen for a moment before the program chimed and a GPS coordinate showed on a translucent 3D model of the Earth. It appeared in South America, Jarvis zoomed in until it could be seen that it was deep in the jungles of Brazil.

Tony smiled smugly. “Thank you Jarvis…That will be all.” The faceplate of the Iron man suit slid away, moving the cookie that Lupita had set there for him. Tony caught the cookie deftly in his mouth, chewing it with a self-satisfied grin.  


 

The odd gaggle of heroes, nannies, and one part-time nanny, part time hero and full time god, landed the helicopter, following the ping of Jarvis’ GPS tracker like a divining rod. They hid the hot pink monstrosity of a helicopter as best as they could with vines and other jungle debris.

Tony followed the GPS tracker monitor in his helmet, the group following close behind him, listening to the beeping coming from his armor steadily get faster as they approached. They finally came to a clearing in the dense jungle. A massive structure loomed overhead, cold concrete and dark metal expertly hidden under the jungle canopy. The jungle which had until this point been alive with bird calls and monkey chattering was suddenly silent, nothing living daring to come near the foreboding structure say for the black thorned vines that creeped up the concrete walls.

Thor trudged in front of the group self-assuredly, sunshiney and grinning regardless of the bone-deep horror that seemed to radiate from the facility. Black Widow tugged at his arm, yanking the god into a nearby bush to keep him from being seen. The rest of the group followed, huddled into the hollow of the tropical bush at the edge of the clearing. Outside the bush, through the thick foliage, our heroes could see two armed guards wearing black tactical gear. They wore riot gear-like visors and paced listlessly outside the entrance to the facility.

Thor glared at the insignia on their vests. His eyes widened and Thor popped out of the bush like a giant angry burly gopher, his hands on his hips indignantly “THOSE ARE THE SAME MEN THA-”

Black Widow reached up, grabbed Thor roughly by his cape and yanked him back into the bush with a flurry of leaves.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” Black widow hissed, her teeth gritted as she glared at Thor.

Thor motioned back to the facility “These are indeed the very same ones that absconded with my charge!”

Deadpool cocked a pair of pistols and glowered at the two men. “They took my baby...oh those fuckers are DEAD.”

Black Widow put a hand to her face “We can’t just barge in! We have to be subtle about this!”

Deadpool turned to glare at Natasha, waving his gun to emphasize his words “Fuck subtle! They have my baby girl!”

Spiderman sighed, looking hard at the structure before them “Wade I know, but I have to agree with Nat on this one, we have to have a strategy and-”

Natasha put a hand to his mouth as one of the guards began to speak.  


One guard paused, he turned towards the other guard uncertainly “Hey uh…”

The other guard looked back at him “What is it Carl?”

The guard rubbed the back of his neck. “...Hey did you uh...did you see…”

The other guard raised an eyebrow, an eyebrow you couldn’t see behind the riot helmet, but the mild skepticism was conveyed nonetheless. “See what?”

The guard shuddered, a wheezy scared breath escaping his lips. “I thought I saw...I thought I saw Noah Syndergaard...Noah Syndergaard of the New York mets...”

 

The other guard sighed. “Like the last time you saw Noah Syndergaard, Carl?”

The guard hugged his machine gun to his chest in fear. “FOR REAL THIS TIME! NOAH SYNDERGAARD IS HERE AND HE IS WATCHING US. HE IS ALWAYS WATCHING.”

The second guard sighed and rubbed his forehead. Not this again. “Go inside and get a cup of coffee Carl. For fucks sake.”

The first guard glared over their shoulder as they grumpily trudged to the entrance of the building. “He’s REAL Andy! He’s real and he’s out there!”

“Uh huh. Yeah. Sure.” The second guard began to close the door on him, but the first guard stuck his head back out the door.

The first guard glared at the second guard, a fact that was once again, undetectable under the riot-gear like helmets, but the sentiment was conveyed nonetheless. “Fine! But don’t come crying to me when NOAH SYNDERGAARD-”

The second guard sighed. “-When Noah Syndergaard jumps out of the bushes and gets me? God dammit Carl you have the weirdest phobias.” The second guard shut the door roughly on the other minion’s face, hitting them on their helmeted nose and knocking them back into the building. Loud swearing could be heard from inside the facility.

The guard turned back from the door, shaking his head. “Goddamn it Carl.” He said to himself “As if Noah Syndergaard w-” Turning around he came face-to-face with Thor, he gasped in surprise but before he could scream the Thunder God ™  hit him squarely on the back of the head, rendering the guard instantly unconscious.

Black Widow stared at the scene, looking back at the Thor-shaped hole in the bush where the blonde behemoth was supposed to be. Goddamn it that man is fast. She jumped out of the bush to glare at Thor “JUST WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?” She seethed with rage “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE BUSH.”

Thor shrugged, carrying the limp guard under one arm like an evil over-sized teddy bear “I saw an opportunity and I took it.”

Natasha was nearly tearing her hair out at this point, seething with her fists clenched, the rest of the team watching on with the full expectation that Thor was about to die via the wrath of Black Widow.

A metallic shuffling sounded from the inside of the facility as a peephole slowly opened on the door. “Hey Andy?”

Natasha dived back into the bush and Thor propped up the unconscious form of the other guard, their arms flopping about like a giant meat puppet. Thor gripped the guard by the back of the head and inched them towards the door, flopping the unconscious man up and down slightly as if he was walking.

Thor turned the man’s head towards the slit in the door. “YES.” Thor coughed and hastily disguised his voice. “WHAT IS IT COMRADE?”

The other guard passed a can of mace through the slit in the door. “Just in case you see Noah Syndergaard.”

Thor flopped up the unconscious guard's hand as if to take it and only managing to make the can fall to the ground. The other guard didn’t seem to notice though and closed the slit of the door.

As soon as it was clear that the guard was gone Natasha sighed and stalked over to where Thor was holding up the unconscious guard like a giant battle-armored muppet. Thor used the guard’s arm to wave at Natasha and she huffed.

Tony Stark trudged over to the facility, the Iron Man suit clanking as he went. Deadpool skipped behind him, swinging his machine guns like an excited little girl as he went. Tony gave the wall an appraising glance and turned to Deadpool “Do you have any explosives?”

Deadpool gasped and put a hand melodramatically to his own chest. “WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?” he took two comically large sticks of dynamite out of his pockets “Alright now do you want military grade shit? Of course you want the military grade shit, this is breaking into a facility not hosting a Girl Scout meeting.”

Spiderman glared at Deadpool. “You used dynamite at a Girl Scout meeting?”

Deadpool’s shoulders tensed and he looked off to the side awkwardly “....no?....”

Tony took the dynamite out of Wade’s hands. “I can wire up a couple of these...make a timer… blow a hole in this fucking wall large enough to fly the helicopter through.”

“OOOO!” Deadpool clapped his hands happily “While they are still recovering from the blast we can shoot the survivors! Destroy everything and burn it to the ground!”

Tony tested the weight of the dynamite in his hands “I have a couple of spare wires, making a homemade detonator would only take-”

The door to the facility chimed, a little light blinking green and the lock clicking open. Natasha stood in front of the door. She motioned to the unconscious guard “...He had a key card in his pocket.”

Deadpool and Tony glared at her as she walked calmly into the building. “No fun.” Deadpool hissed to himself.

A long concrete corridor led deeper inside the facility, a long electric light flickered above their heads, throwing long shadows down the hallway. Murmuring and military-grade boots trudging against the concrete floors could be heard echoing through the eery facility.

Deadpool gave the corridor a distrusting glance. “I don’t like this, it’s a choke point. If anyone comes down this way we’ll be forced into a single-file line. Like fucking ducks in a barrel.”

Spiderman gave him a look “Don’t you mean shooting fish in a barrel?”

Deadpool looked back at him “Why would you have fish in a barrel?”

“I don’t know why are you FUCKING DUCKS in a barrel?” Spiderman hissed back.

“IT'S AN EXPRESSION!” Deadpool countered.

"NO IT'S REALLY NOT."

Megan wheezed through her braces and pointed “Hey look a vent!”

Scorpion smiled at her “Good job Megan!” she took a small sticker book out of her pocket and took out a gold star “Gold star!”

Megan giggled and put the sticker on a cheek. Thor looked on with envy.

Natasha looked at the vent calculatingly “It’s not very big. I doubt Iron-butt, Deadpool or Thor could fit in there.”

Deadpool gasped and put a hand to his chest in mock hurt “Are you calling me FAT?”

Natasha rolled her eyes. Scorpion nodded in agreement. “We’ll have a better chance of finding her if we split up, and if the guards are kept busy. “The ones that can should go in the vent and search quietly, everyone else should keep the guards busy out here.”

Natasha nodded “Solid plan.” She smiled, sharp and wicked, like the sharp glint of a knife held against your throat. “Let’s kick their fucking asses.”

Spiderman, Black Widow, Lupita and Megan went through the vents. Natasha did a deft backflip into the small space, Megan took a grappling hook from her belt and zipped up to the vent and Lupita dragged a stepstool from a nearby janitor’s closet over to reach the vent.

Deadpol stopped Spiderman before be went into the vent. “Hey…” his brows were furrowed with concern “Stay safe. Stay safe and when you find whoever did this…” Wade growled “Save some for me.”

Spiderman smiled “Sure thing hun.” He flicked Deadpool on the forehead and with that he shot a strand of webbing into the vent and was gone.

That left Thor, Iron Man, Deadpool and Scorpion outside in the hallway. Down the corridor the shuffling of boots got louder.

“Hey!” a distant voice called “Did you hear that? Someone is here!”

Scorpion grinned and brought up her fists, Iron Man’s repulsor beams on the suit’s gauntlets engaged, glowing with blue power, Thor brandished his hammer, electricity crackling across him as he glared into the facility.

Thor smiled. “Friends. Art thou ready to battle? For young Miss Ellie? For honor?”

Iron man’s face plate flipped down “Ready when you are Shakespeare.”

Boots clattered down the hall, men in full armor and tactical gear coming to a halt before them, brandishing energy guns that came online with a hum and a crackle of energy.

“STOP WHERE YOU ARE.” One of the men yelled.

Thor shrugged and twirled his hammer in his hands. He smiled, slow and wide, electricity sparking between his knuckles where he held Mjolner. “No.” He answered simply and jumped into a hail of bullets.  
  


Deep inside the facility Ellie struggled against a pair of metal handcuffs, glowing against her tan wrists. A man in goggles and a lab coat leaned over the little girl, smiling widely.

Ellie glared up at him, she could see her reflection in their goggles. “Nice Halloween costume nerd.”

The man’s smile dropped and he glared at her “Mouthy. Just like your father.” He went over to a large machine at the side of the room, a readout of DNA showing across the screen “Your father’s healing factor was passed down to you.” He turned back to her, the end of his lab coat fluttering dramatically “And I WILL unlock that secret!” He leaned over Ellie with a sharp toothed grin “Even if I have to CUT IT OUT of you! You mouthy little cretin!”

Ellie leaned back, smiling knowingly “...My dads are gonna kick your fucking ass.” she giggled “And then when they’re done, my nanny will kick your ass.”

The man scoffed “Your NANNY?”

An alarm blared through the room, a red light flashing. A crowd of suited minions rushed past the room, their guns out in front of them.

The doctor went to a computer and pulled up a live security camera feed, watching as Thor picked up a trio of minions and threw them through a wall. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead.

Ellie laughed “OOOO! You’re in troooouble!!!” She kicked her feet and laughed maniacally, the doctor was suddenly far too aware of just whose daughter this was. “CUE THEME MUSIC!” Ellie shouted.

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EasWdq7Njgo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EasWdq7Njgo)

  


Minions surrounded Thor, Iron Man, Deadpool and Scorpion, the red lights of the minion’s targeting scopes raking across the hero’s bodies.

“STOP WHERE YOU ARE!” The first minion shouted

Thor shrugged “No.” He answered simply. A hail of bullets from the bad guy’s guns fell around the thunder god. Thor charged forward, yelling out a fearsome battle cry, lightning flashing across his hammer. Thor slammed his hammer down, cracking the concrete as he knocked down a trio of men. lightning sparked off his weapon and electrocuting the minions around him who shrieked and fell, their bodies spasming and writhing with electricity.

Deadpool unsheathed his katanas, sliding on his knees into the battle, slicing in a wide arc and severing the knees of four men in front of him. He jumped up to his feet and took a dagger from his thigh holster, pinning one man like a moth on a cork board and using his body as a shield as more men shot at him. He threw the man away and bullets riddled through his body as he stepped towards the shooters, tearing through his suit like swiss cheese, the holes closing just as quickly as they are made. He advanced on the minions slowly, his body jerking with the force of the bullets. He came to the line of villains, bloodied and bullet riddled, he brought down his sword and severed the hands that had been holding the machine guns.

Scorpion reached behind her back, pulling out the plastic baby doll and pushing a button on their back “JONINA ATTACK!” green gas spurted from the doll’s diaper, minions screamed and covered their eyes as the fumes made them cough and gag. Scorpion’s gauntlets came to life, she grinned and ran towards a group of minions. She jumped onto the wall and used her momentum to run for a moment, coming behind a minion, jumping on their shoulders, hitting them roughly on the neck and rendering them unconscious. As the first man fell she backflipped off the minion, kicking another one as she fell, landing on their adam’s apple and crushing it instantly. She gripped a couple of enemies and pulled them together with a rough jerk, smashing their heads together with a crunch.  

Iron Man flew into the group, zapping enemies with his repulsor beams. He jumped into the air and minions yelled and turned away as they were burned by the jets on his rocket boots. A pair of mini rockets popped up from his shoulders and he fired into the wall, blowing a hole into what must have been a locker room for minions.

“THIS WAY!” Iron man yelled and they ran through the shower room.

One man in the middle of having a shower shrieked and grabbed a towel.

Deadpool took a moment to lean back and raised an eyebrow at the villain, looking from their crotch and back to their face. “It must be COLD in here.”

The minion squawked indignantly and ran to a locker on the side of the wall, looking for a gun. They scrabbled through their pants pocket for a handgun, before they could turn it on the group through Scorpion deftly kicked it out of their hand.

“Shit.” Tony looked at the wall on the other side of the room “Why is this wall titanium?”

More voices sounded from outside the hole they blew through the wall. Reinforcements had come.

Deadpool groaned and readied his gun, aiming at the hole in the wall where minions were gathering to rush them. “I hope Petey and the gals are doing better than us.”  


 

Spiderman sighed and rubbed his temple. The vent had deposited them in a far-off corner of the facility, Lupita sat on the floor, humming and knitting.

“Come on Lupita!” Megan threw up her arms, swinging a machine gun haphazardly, Spiderman stopped her arm before she accidentally shot someone, a reflex from living with Wade for so long. “We have to go!” Megan practically yelled, her nasally and wheezy voice echoing off the walls.

Lupita waved them off “Go on. Let abuela rest for a bit.”

“Lupita-” Spiderman began, pleading with the old woman.

“Call me abuela, pollito.” She patted him fondly.

“Ok ab- wait did you just call me a chicken? Did you just call me a little chicken?”

The old woman nodded and slapped one of Spiderman’s legs “Because of your skinny little chicken legs! You need to eat more! Come algo calaca!” She looked at him seriously, her brows furrowing behind her glasses “When this is over, pollito we’re going to get some meat on those bones.”

Megan snorted.

Natasha looked down the hallway warily. “Someone is coming. Get her to move, or we’re leaving her.”

Lupita waved them off “Go. Go. Abuela will be fine.”

The sounds of boots sounded through the hallway. Natasha made an executive decision and took a hold of Megan and Spiderman’s suits, practically throwing them through another vent on the other side of the hallway.

A pair of guards rounded the corner.

“Yeah but it can’t be healthy.” The first guard sniffled as he talked to the second guard “I think I’m allergic to the jungle plants here.”

“Use vicks vaporub.” Lupita chimed in.

The minions caught off guard shrieked and whirled around to point their guns at her.

Lupita didn’t even look up from her knitting. “Vicks vaporub.” She nodded to herself and started another row in the knitting “It solves everything.”

The first guard turned to the second guard “....why is there an old lady here?”

The second guard threw up their hands “WHY WOULD I KNOW?” They considered Lupita and shrugged. “...I guess we should kill her though???”

The first guard poked the second one with his machine gun “No way! She’s just a little old lady! We’re evil but we’re not EVIL.”

“Then what do you propose to do?”

The first guard leaned over Lupita “...Hey miss?”

Lupita paused her knitting to look up at him.

The guard rest his hands on his knees. “How about we take you to the break room..I think there should be a better chair for you there.”

Lupita smiled at him and took the arm the young man offered. “Thank you cariño.”

The man led Lupita away as the old lady continued to lecture him on the multiple medical uses for vicks vaporub.

 

“No!!!” Megan put her hands to her mouth “Lupita!”

Natasha put a hand on her shoulder “She’ll be fine. We’ll get her after all of this is over.”

They crawled through the vents, looking through the slats as they went. Below them men in lab coats worked on some large machine, tracking lines of data across the screens, others writing down figures on clip boards.

Spiderman glowered down at the work below them “What are they doing?” he whispered.

Natasha shook her head “Nothing good.”

They came to a vent in a janitor’s closet and decided to exit the vent once more. Black widow flipped out of the vent and landed in a crouch, Spiderman webbed a wall outside of the vent and swung out and Megan lowered herself down on the string of her grappling hook.

“AH!” A janitor they didn’t see jerked upright from where they had been on a cot in the corner.

Spiderman lifted up a foot and let out a girlish scream, webbing the janitor’s mouth closed and their hands to the wall on instinct. “Oh man…” Spiderman rubbed the back of his head “I..I’m sorry about that. Once this is all over we’ll cut you down...or even if we forget it will dissolve in like...an hour.. So yeah.”

Megan peeked out of the room, flipping down her tactical visor, scanning the area for heat signatures. A brick of yellow showed off to the side as well as half a dozen people milling about in a room. “Hey guys.” She whispered “There’s a huuuge heat signature in here…”

Natasha crossed over to the teenager and Megan offered her the goggles to look through. “I think it’s a huge computer!” She wheezed excitedly, palming the front of her bullet proof vest for her inhaler and taking a puff. “Giant powerful computer in an isolated room means…”

Natasha smiled and handed the girl back her goggles “...Means that it must be pretty important.” She smiled at the young woman “You might have a career in this kind of work.”

Megan nearly melted with the praise, sighing dreamily “Oh my! Th-Thank you Black Widow!”  


 

A couple of scientists were milling about in the computer room, tapping away on separate keyboards and pouring over long lists of data.

“Ok ok…” One of the scientists told another one, giggling to themselves, sipping coffee from a large white mug “If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up they would be…” They snickered into their coffee “ALLOYS! THEY WOULD BE ALLOYS! GET IT?”

The other scientist groaned and rubbed their temples, banging their head into their clipboard. “For fucks sake Eddie.”

Spiderman casually walked into the room, patting down the front of his costume as if he lost something “Hey do you guys validate parking because-”

One of the men went for a panic button under the desk, but before they could reach it Spiderman webbed their hand and wrenched it upwards, hitting them in the face roughly. “STOP HITTING YOURSELF!”

The other scientists were quickly subdued via a couple of well-timed kicks and a copious amount of webbing, the lab-coated men wriggling under the webbing and yelling muffled under the sticky strands.

The only scientist not with their mouth currently covered in webbing leaned slightly towards another scientist. “Well this is a...STICKY SITUATION!”

The other scientists yelled muffled under the webbing something that sounded suspiciously like “FUCK OFF EDDIE“ before Spiderman mercifully webbed the punster’s mouth closed as well.

Megan crossed over to the computer, sitting in a desk chair and taking a sip of one of the scientist’s coffee. One of the scientists webbed to the wall grunted in indignation.

Spiderman stood next to her “So what are they trying to do here?”

Megan continued to type, looking through the files. “I think they want Deadpool’s healing factor...They’re trying to make some sort of bioweapon but it’s extremely unstable so they need the healing factor to keep it regenerating itself.”

“Very good.” A voice called over the intercoms. The doctor with Ellie chuckled and continued to speak through the microphone. “But not good enough.”

With a whirr of machinery lazers came to life in the corners of the room, running across the walls and boxing our heroes in.

 

The doctor sat back in their office chair and watched both teams of heroes on the monitors. Spiderman, Black Widow and Megan in the computer room and Deadpool, Thor and Scorpion in the locker room.

The Doctor pressed another button and gas began to stream through the shower nozzles in the locker room. The heroes coughed and covered their mouths.

Deadpool staggered forward. “You won’t get aw-” and with that he collapsed unconscious onto the floor.

Ellie screamed and pulled against her cuffs “DADDY!” He hissed and glowered at the doctor “You won’t get away with this! Let me go so I can kick your ass!”

“Oh but my dear…I already have! Because I am- ” The doctor took off his goggles with a dramatic flourish.

Ellie gasped!

…

…

The room was silent for a moment.

...

...

Ellie’s brow furrowed. “Wait I think this is supposed to be a dramatic reveal but I have no idea who you are…”

The doctor looked hurt. He motioned to himself. “I’m Doctor Abraham Cornelius!”

Ellie shook her head.

The doctor gaped at her. “You know!!”

Ellie sighed and shook her head again.

The doctor growled and stomped his foot. “DOCTOR ABRAHAM CORNELIUS!”

Ellie gave him a blank look.

“I HELPED TO CREATE THE WEAPON X PROGRAM!”

Ellie shrugged and rolled her eyes.

The man growled and pointed accusingly at her “I MADE YOUR DAD!”

Ellie grimaced and gave him a side-long glance. “Eww! You’re my grandpa?”

The man tore at his hair “NOT LIKE THAT!” He turned away from her and sat grumpily back in his chair. “Do you know how hard I worked for that dramatic reveal? And then you just ruined it. You are an awful, awful, little girl!”

“YEAH WELL SUCK IT OLD GUY!” Ellie stuck her tongue out at him. “BLEHHH!!!”

The doctor stuck his tongue out even farther back at her “WELL DOUBLE BLEHH BACK TO YOU!”

Ellie glared at him.

The doctor looked at a blinking light on the intercom microphone. “...Oh crap is this still on?”

  


Spiderman wheezed with laughter, holding his gut as tears pricked at the corner of his eyes under the mask.

Deadpool laid on the floor of the locker room, still very much so drugged from the gas in the room. “That’s...th-that’s my baby girl!” He said dopily, raising  a hand to give a thumbs up before finally collapsing on the floor, minions streaming into the room to take the heroes back to a holding cell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its an undisputed grandma thing that old people think that vicks vaporub solves literally everything. Have you noticed that? 
> 
> Anywho! I was meaning for this to be the last chapter but then it was getting waaaay too long and I think we can get a better final if I put it in another chapter. Sorry!
> 
> Tell me what you think! Comment on me like one of your french girls! I fucking love hearing from people! Are you worried? Wondering what will happen next? Did you have to google the doctor to see who he was? Did you giggle? but for reals I fucking love comments.
> 
> I have to update a homestuck fic and after that there will be another update of "Harley Quinn and Deadpool BFFS 5EVER" if you are a follower of my marvel shit. Trying to update something once every 15 days. A little late now but I'm working on getting back on track.


	7. Epic final battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epic final battle to save Ellie from the Evil clutches of Doctor Abrams! What is the doctor's plan? What is he doing? How will they escape? 
> 
> WHO WILL WIN THE GAME OF MONOPOLY?
> 
> All this and more will be answered!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry the update is a little late. I did nanorimo and then I updated other fics and this was SUPPOSED to come out on the 15th but hey it's finals week where I'm at. 
> 
> Anywho its FINALLY DONE! I hope you like our epic conclusion!

Thor snorted awake. He was lying on a slab of cold concrete, his cheek pressed awkwardly to the floor. His head was throbbing, his vision spinning, and for a moment he half-expected Fandral to clap him roughly on the shoulder and congratulate him on how much mead he had drank the night before.

 

Instead he was greeted by the sight of  an angry Tony stark, armor-less, sitting on the floor across from him, leaning against the wall. Tony wore a black t-shirt that was slightly ripped with a pair of dark jeans. His hair was mussed, his face was bruised and he stared down at Thor unamused, obviously blaming him for the situation they were in.

 

Tony noticed Thor was awake, he hunched up his shoulders and made an exaggerated grimace. “BLAH BLAH BLAH.” He stated in a dopey gruff voice, crossing his eyes “I’M THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER AND STUPID DECISIONS!” He hunched over, sticking his lower jaw out like an ape “DURR HURR LET’S BREAK INTO A EVIL BASE WITH NO RECONNAISSANCE OR PREPARATION! OH AND I KNOW! LET’S BRING SOME CRAZY NANNIES ALONG! YEAH THAT’S A GOOD IDEA! NANNIES!”

 

Thor raised his cheek from the floor. His cheek was patterned with the rough texture of the cell concrete, he raised a hand to rub it “Aye, and a good morning to you as well Stark. I am heartened to see you in good cheer.” He rubbed at his neck and was disturbed to find a collar sitting there. Some kind of mechanism attached to the band. He tried pulling in it but it held tight.

 

Tony picked up a rock on the inside of the cell and chucked it at the God like a petulant child. The rock bounced off of Thor’s forehead before falling to the floor.

 

Thor sighed.

 

Today wasn’t going well.

 

On the other side of the room there was a loud gravelly snore. Thor turned his head to look.

 

On the other side of the room across from Tony and Thor, Deadpool was laying sprawled across the floor, face down, snoring loudly. Apparently the same guards that had thought it prudent to strip Tony of his armor, had also seen to it that Deadpool was stripped of his...everything.

 

Thor watched Wade’s heavily scarred ass rise and fall as he snored, covered by nothing but a pink Hello Kitty brand pair of panties. The beleaguered thong was stretched as far as it would go, the Hello Kitty face there heavily distorted across the stretchy fabric. Hello Kitty herself seemed to scream in silent pained anguish as she was stretched over scarred buttocks.

 

Next to Deadpool, Scorpion leaned against the wall. Her black hair was loose around her shoulders, her glasses were cracked and her body armor and gauntlets were missing. She laid back defeated, scratched and worn. She held the baby doll in her lap, the doll scarred and scuffed, rocking back and forth gently as if to lull it to sleep.

 

Tony rolled his eyes “Are you happy?” he asked Thor. “Because of YOU we’re locked in a cell with miss creepy baby doll, and Wade’s ass. I blame you personally.”

 

Scorpion huddled over the baby doll. Her hair hung limply in her face. She ran a thumb down the doll’s face, the plastic there now scratched and worn, one eye now missing.

 

“I am sorry Jonina.” She whispered “I have failed you.”

 

Tony groaned and rolled his eyes “Lady will you stop with the stupid crazy baby crap I-”

 

She didn’t seem to hear him. Her eyes glazed over as the echoes of bombs rang in her ears. Visions of blood and sand swam through her head, screams echoing through the night as bomb after bomb fell. Flashes of light over pocked and desolate landscape. The smell of Earth, gunpowder and the copper tang of blood.

 

She leaned down farther, cradling the baby doll closer to her chest. “Mommy couldn’t protect you Jonina...Mommy couldn’t protect you when you needed her…” Sparks flashed behind her eyes. A shrill scream. A child running through the dark. She rested her forehead against the plastic of the doll’s head. “Mommy could not protect you, so mommy decided that she would protect every child, make sure their caretakers knew how to protect them. So no child would ever be hurt again. ” She raised her knees and brought them closer to her chest. “I failed Jonina.” she whispered, her voice small and ragged “I’m so sorry…”

 

Thor looked to Tony. Tony sighed and leaned back to thunk his head against the wall, glaring at the ceiling and suddenly feeling like an asshole. Wade continued to snore loudly. The pink Hello Kitty panties clashing with the serious moment.

 

Tony seemed to come to a decision. He rose from the wall, brushed off his pants and walked over to where Deadpool was laying on the concrete. “Hey asshole.” Tony hooked a finger under the elastic of the pink panties, stretching it back before letting it go, snapping it like a rubber band against Wade’s bare ass.

 

“AHH FUCK!” Wade woke up with a shriek, his hands scrabbling to his sides for the guns that were usually on his holsters. He looked over his shoulder at Tony. “What? Where am I?”

 

Tony had his hands on his knees. “You’re naked in a jail cell, idiot.”

 

Wade’s hairless eyebrows quirked up. “Man...If I had a dollar every time someone told me that…”

 

“Yeah well.” Tony sauntered over to the cell door. Thor and Deadpool watching him as he went. He cracked his knuckles and eyed the door like just another obstacle to overcome “Get your shit together. We’re escaping.”

  
  


An evil henchman was on a mission. His uniform was made from dark streamlined armor, shining and bulletproof. He walked with purpose, his combat boots clicking against the dark concrete of the facility, echoing through the hall ominously. His hands were behind his back as he walked, back straight and shoulders broad. The fluorescent lights of the hallway shining the smooth glass of his helmet, the shield covering the entirety of his face. Stoic and expressionless, a golem of evil design and malicious intent.

 

He arrived at his destination. His leather boots coming to a halt, clicking together with militaristic precision.

 

He stood in front of a machine. A blocky mechanism of dark metal and smooth polished glass. The logo of their particular branch of evil organization emblazoned on the side.

 

His goal was in sight.

 

He took his hands out from behind his back, cracking his knuckles in preparation.  So much had been leading up to this moment.

 

So very, very much...

 

He reached into his utility belt and pulled out a-

 

-Dollar

 

He hummed and inserted the dollar into the machine in front of him. There was a little electronic whirr as the machine processed the currency. The evil henchman leaned back on the balls of his feet as he waited. He hummed for a moment and popped his lips.

 

The machine spat out the dollar.

 

“Oh come on.” The henchmen whined. He picked up the dollar off the floor. He brought the dollar to his face to inspect it. “It’s only a little bit wrinkly…”

 

He raised his knee awkwardly, trying to pull the dollar across his battle armor to straighten it. He was a bit off balance, hopping for a moment to keep from falling over. He was able to regain balance though, and began to flatten the dollar against the plating of his suit, bringing the paper back and forth in a couple of quick strokes. The paper squeaking as it slid across the metal.

 

He inserted the dollar into the machine once more. “Come on come on come on.” He whispered to himself, bouncing up and down slightly as the machine whirred, processing the bill.

 

With a tiny electronic “ptoo!” The dollar was spat out again.

 

“UGH!” The minion threw his head back and yelled into the hallway, stomping his feet petulantly and kicking the front of the machine with a loud that thunked hollowly “COME ON.”

 

The minion picked up the dollar once more. He popped back up again and pointed an accusing finger at the machine. “I’m warning you.” He hissed, his voice low and dire, the crack of lighting and the fall of empires “One way or another….I’m getting my GODDAMN gummy bears…”

 

The gummy bears gazed back at him from beyond the glass of the vending machine. A Thousand cheery smiles trapped in their plastic packaging. Calling out to him. Temptation in the form of chewy fruit flavor. Saccharine sirens.

 

The evil minion took the dollar once more. Rubbing it across the smooth plane of his face mask. The dollar squeaking as it was rubbed back and forth.

 

He pulled the dollar back, inspected it for wrinkles, his brows furrowed unseen behind his face mask. He popped the dollar back into the machine.

 

There was an electronic whirr and-

 

“Ptoo.” The machine spat back out the dollar.

 

This time he was ready for it, catching the dollar before it exited the machine fully. “Son of a bitch.” He whispered, pushing it back into the slot.

 

“Ptoo!” The machine tried to spit the dollar back out but he kept his fingers over the slot, trapping the dollar there with a triumphant chuckle.

 

The machine attempted to spit out the dollar once more “NO! NO! STAY IN THERE!” the minion growled. The dollar fluctuated in and out in and out, the machine attempting to spit it back out, but the minion keeping his fingers over the dollar slot.

 

The henchman growled and took out his sidearm. Blue light shone through black metal plates as the futuristic gun activated. He pressed the muzzle of the weapon to the glass of the vending machine. “TAKE MY DOLLAR OR ELSE.” His warning was deathly dire.

 

There was an electronic whirr as the machine processed the dollar and….

 

The machine beeped an affirmative, the dollar amount displaying on the little LED screen.

 

The minion put his gun back into the holster “Yeah...That’s what I thought, bitch.” He hummed happily and punched in the code for the gummy bears. Wiggling back and forth a bit in excitement.

 

There was a clink and a clunk from the machine before the little metal ring keeping the gummy bears from falling into the retrieval space below began to spin.

 

The minion watching it eagerly. He sang a bit to himself as he waited for the gummy bears to fall into the retrieval space. Wiggling his hips and shaking his fists in that embarrassing white mom dance. You know the one. The one we’ve all seen when someone’s mom, probably named Sharon, member of the PTA, and currently wearing cheetah print sweat pants, has a single glass of wine.

 

“I know a girl who's tough but sweet, bum bum baaa bum. She’s the kind that can’t be beat bum bum baa bum.” He pointed at the bag of gummy bears as if each gelatinous fruit confection was a fangirl at his concert “Yeah IIIII WANT CANDY BUM BUM BA BUM! III WANT-”

 

The bag of gummy bears began to fall but-

 

A corner of the bag became stuck in the machine. The bag of gummy bears hanging from the very edge over the retrieval space. Oh cruel fate! The minion pressed his hands against the glass in dismay, thunking his helmet against the glass of the machine “NO! YOU BASTARD!”

 

He pointed his gun at the glass of the machine. “I TOLD you.” He hissed direly “I TOLD you I was going to get my GODDAMN GUMMY BEARS.” He cocked his energy gun, the black plates of the machine separating, powering on with a small “waum”. He pointed the gun at the glass front of the machine, he pulled the trigger and-

 

A volley of blue light shot from the gun, the vending machine was shrouded in a puff of black smoke, there was a ricochet and-

 

The smoke dissipated. The vending machine stood in the hallway, completely intact. The gummy bears still hanging haphazardly.

 

Damn. The minion thought. Clenching a black leather bound fist. He had forgotten about the last several times someone shot open the vending machine...and the subsequent replacement with a laser-proof snack depository.

 

He looked left down the hallway…

 

Right down the hallway…

 

When he did not see anyone, the minion dropped to his knees, scootching awkwardly across the floor until he was level with the retrieval slot of the vending machine. This was entirely against regulation but-

 

He reached into the machine. Unseen under the mirror-like helmet his tongue was peeking out from between his lips in concentration, his fingers splaying outwards. He strained to reach into the machine, his shoulder pressing awkwardly into the lip of the opening, his helmet pressed to the glass of the machine. He stretched his fingers, just barely skimming the edge of the gummy bear bag and-

 

“Hi commander!” Someone chirped.

 

“Gah!” The minion turned to who addressed him. He tried to pull his arm out of the vending machine, but it was stuck there, the armored plates of his battlesuit catching on the inside of the machine.

 

Two guards stood above the commander. Matching uniforms, guns, and confused expressions. They were flanking an elderly hispanic woman. The woman seemed completely unconcerned, knitting placidly where she stood, wearing a tactical vest and boots.

 

“Uh…” One guard raised an eyebrow at their commander, sitting on the floor with his hand stuck in the company vending machine. “...are you ok?”

 

The commander put the hand that was not currently stuck in a vending machine to his hip. “What is THIS?” He motioned angrily to Lupita. The old lady looked up from her knitting just long enough to smile at him and wave one wrinkly hand.

 

“Uh…” The first guard shrugged “We found an old lady.”

 

The commander pinched his helmet where the bridge of his nose would be. “I can fucking see that. GET RID OF HER.”

 

Lupita looked around placidly “Oh my...the nursing home sure has had some nice renovations…”

 

The second guard pouted, his shoulders slumping “But I don’t want to! She’s just an old lady!”

 

The commander raised the arm not still trapped in the vending machine “WHAT ABOUT SUPER SECRET EVIL ORGANIZATION BASE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?”

 

The first guard rubbed the back of his neck “Yeah we’re evil but like...that would be a whole new level.” He motioned towards Lupita, the old woman humming while knitting “I mean come on! Look at her! She’s someone’s grandma!”

 

The commander leaned back with a huff, his helmet clicking into the glass of the vending machine “Look, I know you guys don’t want to kill an old lady, I get it, but rules are rules.”

 

“That’s right.” The second guard leaned down and smiled at the commander “Rules ARE rules!”

 

The second guard grinned  and leaned down as well. He rested his head on a fist as he smiled cheekily at the commander “Like the rules about not tampering with the company vending machine!”

 

The first guard steepled his fingers, smiling over his fingertips. He waggled his eyebrows at his commanding officer “So….I won’t tell the big boss about your vending machine escapades, if you don’t tell them about our old lady!”

 

The commander bonked his head against the glass of the vending machine. “...fuck.”

 

The guards grinned. Their hands clasped together with hope. “Is that a yes?”

 

The commander sighed “Fine.”

 

Both guards squeaked with glee, putting their gloved hands to their faces.

 

“BUT!” The commander pointed at them “Professor Cornelius doesn’t hear a WORD of this!”

 

The guards nodded “Right!” “Gotcha!” the spoke in unison, grinning as they gave each other a high-five.

 

They led Lupita into the break room, the old woman with a hand on each of their arms. “This way miss, there should be a couch in here you can use.

 

“Wait!” The commander waved after the two subordinates that disappeared into the break room “What about the-”

 

The door slammed shut and the commander was left alone in the hallway, his arm still stubbornly stuck in the vending machine.

 

“...Fuck.”

  


Spiderman, Black Widow and Megan the babysitter were all still trapped in the computer room. The scientists that had been stuck to the wall with Spiderman’s webbing were beginning to yawn boredly under the webbing that gagged them. Megan was spinning in the office chair in front of the computer, she accidentally kicked a coffee mug off of one of the scientist’s desks, one of the scientists webbed to the wall grumbled angrily.

 

Spiderman groaned angrily, he looked at the laser grid that surrounded the room, trapping them all inside. He squinted, trying to shoot a strand of webbing at the machine that generated the energy. The webbing fizzled, burning away to a crisp. He swore under his breath.

 

Black widow was off to the side, picking her nails with a sharp dagger.

 

Megan sighed, curling up into the desk chair she sat in, resting her head on her knees.

 

Spiderman turned to Natasha “A little help here?”

 

Black widow gave the grid a once over, the entire walls were covered in a sizzling hot energy field. “There is no obvious weakness to the laser system.” Natasha deadpanned. She looked at her reflection in the mirror-like polish of the knife “We can only hope that they need one of these scientists enough  to come and get them, giving us a chance to bargain with our hostages, or fight our way out when they disengage the grid.” She shrugged “Or we hope for rescue. From either the other team or our operative still on the outside.”

 

Spiderman glared at her “..operative on the outside of the- “ His eyes widened, one eyebrow arched cynically “Do you mean LUPITA? You know, the one who is an old lady?”

 

Black widow shrugged, going back to picking her nails with the blade of her knife.

 

Megan sighed, her eyes wide as she hugged her knees to her chest, her mouth pinched “Poor Lupita. Who knows what awful things are happening to her right this very minute!”

  
  


Lupita was led into a small grey room. Clinically clean, bland and cold. A rickety folding table sat off the the side next to a sagging couch and an old humming refridgerator. Bland music played quietly in the room, the kind they play in elevators or doctor’s waiting rooms.

 

A couple of minions were milling around in the the room, sipping coffee from coffee mugs emblazoned with their evil logo. They talked about sports, the weather, the equipment in whatever sector that was malfunctioning, the hostile takeover of the entire world, the office Christmas party. One minion sat at the table eating a baloney sandwich on white bread.

 

“Alright!” The first guard put his hands on his hips “Well, random old lady we found in the hallway, here’s the break room.”

 

Lupita scowled at the room, her hands on her hips. She crossed over to the minion eating the baloney sandwich. She ripped the sandwich out of the minion’s hand. The minion’s brows furrowed as a tiny old woman stole his sandwich. “You eat this...FILTH?” She sniffed the sandwich and threw it away with a grimace and a gag.

 

“Hey…” The minion she stole the sandwich from grumbled “My food…”

 

Lupita shook her head. She laid a tiny hand on the minion’s shoulders. “That, mijo...that is not food.” She hobbled over to the fridge with determination “Come now.” She opened the door to the fridge and began to root around, grabbing an armful of ingredients before dumping them on the counter-top  “Abuela will make you some REAL food!”

 

Lupita yanked a tablecloth off of the card table, wrapping it around her hips and tying it in a smart bow behind her.

 

Delicious smells began to waft out of the evil minion break room, tempting passersby with the smell of butter and sugar. The rumor began to spread throughout the facility, minions from every sector made hasty excuses to leave their posts, sneaking down the hallway and to the break room.

 

The commander scowled as minions edged passed him, his hand still stuck in the vending machine. “What? Where are you idiots going?”

 

Minions pushed past each other, an excitable crowd of armor-clad villains. Murmuring and straining their necks to see beyond each other, the smell of butter and brown sugar heady in the air, intoxicating to the henchmen who had as of yet subsisted solely on bland evil organization cafeteria food and whatever was in the vending machine.

 

Lupita was in the evil organization kitchen. Goggles over her eyes, her brows furrowed in determination, a bunsen burner pilfered from a neighboring laboratory. Finally she flipped up her goggles and turned towards the henchmen, a smile on her wrinkled face, a tray of miraculous cookies in her hands. “Alright!” She chirped “Who wants cookies?”

 

There was a scream of joy from her villainous audience, practically frothing at the mouth with want and awe.

 

“OH MY FUCKING GOD HOMEMADE COOKIES!”

“ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIP?”

“HOW THE FUCK DID SHE DO THAT WE DON’T HAVE A STOVE?!”

 

There was a frantic scramble as fifty or so henchmen reached for cookies, stuffing the ooey gooey masterpieces in their faces. It was a symphony of butter and melted chocolate chips. Beethoven's symphony in cookie form. Was that violins playing in the background? A choir of angels singing? Heaven comprised of warm home made chewy baked goods? Pastry that melted in your mouth, transporting you directly to your grandmother’s kitchen when you were five years old and the world was safer and better than it was today?

 

The guards that found Lupita smiled, chocolate smears on dopey content smiles. “Oh man..” The first one whined “I might actually cry…”

 

His brows furrowed. Something in the world around him seemed off-kilter. He felt his legs wobble beneath him. His head felt lighter.

 

He looked down at the cookie in his hands. His vision began to blur in and out, colors fading and re-saturating in a nauseating way. “H-heyy…” He turned to Lupita, the world slowing down to a crawl as the old lady smiled placidly at him “w-what wwwerre innn thooooosee??”

 

Lupita smiled and patted the guard on the cheek. The man swaying sleepily back and forth. “Abuela’s secret recipe…” she grinned and put a wrinkled hand to her mouth as she chuckled. She pulled an orange medication bottle from one of the pockets in her tactical vest. The bottle now very much so empty.

 

“Nap time, pendejos.” Lupita chuckled and put one finger to the guard’s forehead. She gave him a slight nudge backwards, his eyes rolling to the back of his head and falling to the floor with a thump. The minions around him quickly followed suit, their eyes rolling to the back of their heads and falling to the ground in heaps, the cookies still in their mouths or falling to the floor around them.

 

Lupita stood over the minions, her hands on her chubby hips. The minions were snoring, laying atop each other, some of them were clutching each other like teddy bears in their sleep.

 

Lupita nodded to herself. “Sweet kids.” She sighed and shook her head “Stupid, but sweet.”

 

Lupita then gathered up her purse and her knitting, humming as she stepped over the limbs of unconscious minions. On her way out the door she untied the tablecloth she had been using as an apron and spread it out over the pile of sleeping minions as if it was a blanket. She then tip-toed out of the door, turning off the light behind her like putting a child to bed, except instead of a child it was fifty minions of an evil organization.

 

The commander was still in the hallway, his arm stuck in the vending machine as Lupita came out of the room.

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO?” The commander demanded, as intimidating as someone can be while their arm was stuck in a vending machine.

 

Lupita leaned down towards him with a smile “shhhh…” She put her finger to her lips “The children are sleeping.”

 

Before he could answer, Lupita flipped up his face mask, jamming a cookie into his mouth. She put a hand to his chin. “Nap time, bitch.” She whispered. The commander yelled, the cookie muffling his scream like a gag, his eyes rolling to the back of his head, slumping back unconsciously.

 

Lupita hummed. She searched the commander’s pockets, pulling out a key card. She pocketed the key card and continued down the hallway, the commander slumped down behind her, melted chocolate dripping from his mouth like blood.

  


Tony turned to Thor in the jail cell “Have you tried calling mjolnir?”

 

Thor grinned and sat upright. “Oh! I didn’t consider that!”

 

Deadpool clapped his hand “That’s right! This fanfiction was written before the Author saw the newest Thor movie where that was destroyed! He still has it! We’re saved!”

 

Thor squinted at him “What about mjolnir being destroyed?”

 

“Nothing….absolutely nothing…” Deadpool waved a hand dismissively “I’m also sorry about your hair, but that’s another issue entirely.”

 

Tony shook his head “Please just ignore him. Call mjolnir and make it break a hole in the jail cell wall.”

 

Thor nodded and extended a hand “Return to me my-”

  


In the Evil organization company bathroom, the same one Deadpool, Iron man and Scorpion were apprehended in, a guard sat alone on the tile, watching the hammer dropped by The God of Thunder ™ himself. Nobody in the evil organization could lift the hammer, which meant that poor Jerry had been stationed here to watch it.

 

Jerry sat on the tile, hugging his knees to his chest. He had a radio in one hand, a giant red button in the other. He watched the hammer nervously for any sign of life, terrified of the moment where it would begin to move. Evil minions didn’t tend to last long in this business, at any moment a literal norse God could call the hammer, ripping through him and the wall. Why did he even take this job? They don’t even have dental insurance! He never should have dropped out of college! He just wanted to be a dancer mom! A dancer! But no!

 

Another minion zipped down his pants as he whistled, using a urinal behind Jerry.

 

Fuck this entire place, Jerry decided, watching the hammer with the air of certain doom as his coworker peed and whistled behind him. Fuck this entire place.

  


Thor raised his hand, closing his eyes in concentration, flexing his fingers silently, calling on the ancient magic that bound them together, focusing on mjolnir and-

 

The hammer moved slightly!

 

Jerry shrieked loudly, falling to the floor of the bathroom in terror. The coworker that had been peeing was also screaming, frightened by Jerry’s screaming. Both men, screaming. Frightened tears streamed down Jerry’s face. He pressed the button he had been given and -

  


“AH!” Thor screamed and clutched at his neck. He slumped back to the floor as jolts of electricity wracked through him, making him shiver and shake uncontrollably his muscles spasming and jittering.

  


Jerry was on the floor of the evil organization men’s bathroom, tears streaming down his face, clutching the red button to his chest like a talisman. The coworker that had been peeing at the urinal before stood over him.

 

“Dude!” The other minion stated, pulling up the zipper to his pants “What the hell was that?”

 

Jerry looked up at him, his eyes wide “It MOVED.”

 

The other guard rolled his eyes.

 

“S’cuse me gents!” Another minion winced and edged his way into the men’s bathroom, wincing as he held his stomach “Taco tuesday in the evil cafeteria! You know how it is!” He then waddled into bathroom stall and hurriedly closed the door behind him.

 

Jerry laid on the tiled bathroom floor.

 

Goddamn it, he thought. I just wanted to be a dancer.

  


 

Thor rubbed his neck where he sat on the floor. “Ow.” he announced. Little flickers of electricity still sparkling from the device.

 

“Shit.” Tony put his hands on his hips.

 

Deadpool shrugged “It was worth a try.”

 

Tony glared up at the ceiling, a fly was circling the solitary lightbulb there. His head cocked to the side, deep in thought as the electric bulb hummed noisily above them. Tony smiled “...I think I have an idea.”

 

Deadpool grinned and raised his hand, wiggling ti like an overeager elementary school student “ooh! Ooh! Can I help?”

 

Tony looked over his shoulder at Deadpool “That depends, are you still the most annoying person on the planet?”

 

Deadpool looked down at himself, the front of his Hello Kitty thong read “Check Meowt boys!” He looked up at Tony. “Check!”

 

“Good.” Tony nodded “Just be your usual obnoxious self.” He looked up at the lightbulb on the ceiling “Now does anyone have a screwdriver?”

  


Black Widow, Spiderman and Megan were still trapped in the computer room, the webbing holding the scientists were beginning to dissolve. Evil scientists, belonging to this random branch of club evil ™, complete in their lab coats, glasses and evil name tags, just kinda dropped to the floor like evil ripe avocados off an evil avocado tree. Spiderman just let them slide or tumble back down onto the floor, watching them passively from where he was seething, sitting on the ground, the eyes of his mask narrowed at the energy that surrounded the entire room. I mean they were all trapped in here anyways.

 

When it became extremely clear that none of them were going to be let out soon, there was an extremely awkward round of introductions, a lot of coughing into hands and shuffling feet like middle schoolers at the school dance, the scientists introducing themselves to the heroes and the heroes introducing themselves to the evil scientists.

 

“Hi I’m Gary! PHD in evil sciences.”

 

“I’m Megan!”

 

“Are we really doing this?….Fine. Spiderman.”

 

“Craig, I do IT work here”

 

“Natasha Romanov.”

 

“Hi I’m Ed! I’m an evil scientist! I made the laser guns people have been shooting you with!”

 

Afterwards, Gary the scientist pulled out a monopoly box from under his desk with a sheepish smile. “As long as we’re all stuck here!” he shrugged “We might as well!”

 

Which is how two heroes, some evil scientists and a highschool student who was a member of an ultra militaristic secret society of nannies, ended up sitting around a monopoly game board.

 

“I call the shoe!” One of the scientists wiggled in his seat and reached for the little silver shoe token.

 

“No way!” the eyes of Spiderman’s mask narrowed “I always play the shoe!”

 

The scientist put his hands to his hips “Well I had to spend hours under your webbing! I think I deserve to be the shoe!”

 

“Yeah well.” Spiderman waved away the argument “If you weren’t evil scientists I wouldn’t have webbed you!”

 

The scientist scoffed “You didn’t need to web us! We’re the evil NERDS! We don’t have guns! What would we have done? Scienced you to death?”

 

Megan turned to Spiderman “...He does have a point.” she whispered through her braces.

 

The scientist grinned and took the shoe piece, Spiderman crossed his arms and glared at him. “Fine.” Spiderman grumbled “Then I get to be the little car.”

 

“No!” Megan wheezed “I’m always the little car!”

 

“Oh my god!” Spiderman let his head drop to the board “I hate all of you!”

 

“You are all fools.” Natasha informed them calmly, looking at them over Spiderman who was currently face-down on the monopoly board “The best piece is obviously the hat.”

 

The scientists scoffed “Oh yeah? What’s so great about the hat? It’s just a hat!”

 

Natasha looked down her nose at them. “Then how do you explain….THIS” She whipped up her finger, the little silver hat perched on the end. The extremely dangerous superspy, who happened to be classified as a human weapon, then bobbed her finger up and down like her finger was a tiny man wearing a hat while out and about. She glared at them from over her finger, confident in the superiority of the hat, daring them to question the obvious evidence.

 

They had to give her that one, the little hat was pretty sweet.

 

The game was going pretty well. Everyone hated each other, there was constant bickering, Megan was in jail, Spiderman was ready to tear the board in half and the evil scientists were currently gloating. So a pretty standard game of monopoly.

 

“BOOM!” one scientist yelled as Spiderman landed on one of his properties. “Pay up!”

 

Spiderman growled and tossed a couple bills at the scientist. “You know Craig, you can take the shoe token and shove it up your ass.”

 

“MHMM YES.” Craig the scientist rubbed the monopoly money Spiderman had given him across his body as he gloated obnoxiously “YOUR RAGE FUELS ME.”

 

Spiderman looked like he was about to either jump across the board, or web the scientist’s mouth shut when there was a click at the door.

 

With a small “waum” the laser grid covering the door powered down. Lupita peeked into the room. She had her hands on her hips as she looked down at the group on the floor, tapping one military boot impatiently. “Come on now.” She chastised “Pack up your things and say goodbye to your friends, we’re leaving.”

 

“Awwww…” The group whined inn chorus.

 

The scientist that had Spiderman’s monopoly money looked up at Lupita “But we don’t know who one yet!”

 

Natasha slammed her hands onto the board “That’s what YOU think!” She got up into his face, her brows furrowed “While you were busy with hotels I bought the utilities AND the railways! Spending all your time with hotels? You stupid bitch? I have more property. Your ass is MINE! MINE AND YOU KNOW IT!” She took a wad of monopoly money and flung it up into the air. The brightly colored bills wafted down in a righteous storm of fake currency.

 

“OHHHHH!!!!” spiderman pointed at the evil scientist, his other hand clenched into a righteous fist “Another win for the good guys!”

 

“NOOOO!!!!” The scientists put up their fists, flabbergasted and dismayed at their loss. One scientist fell over,his mouth agape, staring at the ceiling with shock “Curse you!!!!”

 

“Power of the hat, bitch.” Natasha whispered, her eyes aflame as monopoly money flittered down from the air “power of the hat.”

 

“Come on!” Lupita ushered the heroes out, packing up the board game and dusting off their clothes “We have a little girl to save!”

 

The heroes waved goodbye halfheartedly, Natasha flipped the scientists the bird, and with that, they were gone, the laser grid re-engaging as soon as they were out the door.

 

“Crap.” One scientist put his fist to his palm “They reengaged the lasers!”

 

One of the scientists glared down at the monopoly board “I can’t believe we lost...Monopoly is a game BUILT for villains…”

 

The other scientist nodded “...Black Widow scares the crap out of me…”

 

They all took a moment to nod in agreement.

  
  


Tony Stark sat on the floor of the concrete jail cell, the fluorescent light bulb, that had once been on the ceiling above them, was now disassembled in Tony’s lap, an ominous jumble of wires and metal. Deadpool, Thor and Scorpion who had recently woken up from her stupor, all crowded around Tony as he worked. Something sparked in his hands and he hissed, cursing and putting a burned finger in his mouth.

 

“Alright.” Tony said, slightly muffled as the finger was still in his mouth. He took out the digit, raising up the contraption in his hands to give it a critical look. “That should do it.” He turned to Deadpool.

 

Deadpool was still dressed in only the Hello Kitty panties, looking at Tony eagerly. “Yes?” He asked expectantly.

 

Tony raised his eyebrows, cocking his head and looking at Deadpool like a bomb about to be dropped “Are you ready?”

 

Deadpool put his hand up in a salute “SIR YES SIR!”

  
  


Two minions sat by a rickety card table.

 

“So…” The first minion looked at the second minion, scratching his bushy mustache “...got any threes?”

 

The second minion shook their head “Go fish.”

 

“HEYYYYYY!” a voice screamed down the hallway. There was a small window on the cell door, complete with the stereotypical metal bars. Deadpool stuck his face through the bars as far as he could, his scarred face glaring out from between the bars like a miffed cat. “WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS-” He screamed into the hallway, disturbing the rousing game of go fish happening just beyond his vision “WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY PANTS?”

 

The first guard looked at the second guard, his nose wrinkled with indignation and disgust. “....You took his pants?”

 

The second guard shrugged, not meeting the first guard’s eyes as he shuffled the deck of playing cards they were using “He might have had weapons!”

 

“I MEAN I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD IF IT WAS JUST MY UTILITY BELT BUT… PANT’S AND SHIRT HUH?”

 

The first guard continued to stare at the second guard, his brows furrowed under the helmet of his uniform. “Seriously Carl?”

 

The second guard, Carl, shrugged, continuing to not meet the other man’s eyes “He’s known to be sneaky!”

 

“IT’S NOT LIKE I’M KNOWN TO BE SNEAKY!” Deadpool groused “DID YOU THINK I HAD A TASER UP MY ASS OR SOMETHING?”

 

The first guard turned to their coworker Carl. He set his hand of cards down on the table, crossing his arms and raising a brow. Carl began to sweat.

 

“I BET YOU LIKE SCARRED GUYS HUH?” Deadpool screamed out from between the bars. “DID YOU LIKE THE PANTIES I WAS WEARING? HUH??”

 

Carl slammed his hands to the card table, cards from their game flying everywhere. “SHUT UP PRISONER!” He yelled back at Deadpool. He stood up from the card table and began to storm down the hallway. The first guard snickered as the second guard stormed past them.

 

The guard reached the door “SHUT UP YOU-”

 

The guard reached for the door. Tony was hunched behind the door, just beyond the guard’s vision, regrettably eye-level with the pink bulge of Deadpool’s Hello Kitty thing. The hello kitty on the front of the stretchy panties seemed to stare at Tony.

 

The guard touched the metal handle of the door and-

 

“NOW!” Deadpool shouted, stepping back from the bars of the door.

 

Tony pressed the device to the metal door, the device sparking as electricity traveled through the metal of the door, into the guard’s hand as he grasped the door. The minion shrieked and convulsed, shuddering shaking as electricity traveled through him.

 

Just as the minion began to slump over, Deadpool once again reached through the bars, gripping the front of the guard’s uniform and pulling him in, slamming the minion’s head into the metal bars.

 

“Carl?” The second guard rose from his seat at the commotion “Are you ok? What’s going on back there?”

 

Deadpool wiggled the now unconscious minion back and forth, rubbing the keycard on the minion’s uniform  over the card reader in front of their cell.

 

The second guard drew his side arm, raising it as he began to walk down the hallway “Carl? He asked are you-” His eyes widened as he saw the cell door leading to Thor, Deadpool, Tony and Scorpion’s cell open. He scrabbled for the radio on his belt “THE PRISONERS ARE LOOSE JERRY PRESS THE-”

 

Before the guard could finish though, there was a screeching yell. Scorpion barreled out of the cell, she jumped onto the wall of the hallway, kicking off and doing an extremely impressive, and totally unnecessary backflip before slapping the baby doll across the minion’s face with a sharp CRACK. The minion falling to the ground in a heap of futuristic armor and poor life decisions, go-fish novelty cards spraying out in every direction.

 

Thor stepped out of the cell, his hands on his hips as he nodded approvingly at the two unconscious minions in the hallway. “Excellent! Good work team!”

 

Tony shot the thunder god a dirty look “You didn’t do anything!”

 

Thor nodded “Yes!” He walked past Tony “Good work team!”

 

Tony rolled his eyes. He put a hand to his face and rubbed the bridge of his nose “Alright, first order of business is finding my suit and YOU-” Tony pointed at Deadpool “FIND SOME PANTS!”

 

Scorpion stared at the security cameras lining the hall “Why are there not more of them? What happened to the security guards monitoring the cameras?”

  


In the evil minion evil break room of evil, fifty or so minions were still on the floor after being drugged by Lupita’s laced chocolate chip cookies. They snored, their mouths agape and smeared with chocolate. In another empty office, the camera feed from the hallway played, the guards that had supposed to have been monitoring it asleep on the floor of the break room.

  


Thor stood next to Scorpion, his hands on his own hips as they both stared into the camera. “Odd.” Thor agreed.

 

Rooting around in the oddly abandoned corridors of the evil compound they eventually found a side closet where there items had been unceremoniously stashed. Tony’s iron man armor tumbled out of the closet as soon as he opened it, his helmet rolling out and clattering to a stop like a tin can.

 

“REALLY?” Tony huffed “REALLY? YOU JUST PUT THIS MULTIMILLION DOLLAR SUIT IN A BROOM CLOSET?” He grumbled as he stooped down to pick up the pieces of the Iron man suit. “Fucking villains have no respect these days.”

 

Scorpion shrugged and picked up her gauntlets from the mess.

 

Deadpool fished around in the pile for his spandex. He pulled out the red and black suit. He grimaced as he pulled it out “Why is this sticky? Oh my god why is this sticky? Oh fuck that’s so gross...”

 

Deadpool turned to Thor “I don’t see your MOJOLGNERNERFER here.”

 

“Mjolnir.” Thor corrected gently

 

“Whatever.”

 

Thor nodded to himself, his brows furrowed “None of them must be worthy to lift the hammer.”

 

“What?” Tony looked at the both of them, fitting his armor back into place “So it’s still in the men’s room?”

  


Jerry the minion sat on the floor of the evil bathroom, staring at the hammer on the floor in wide-eyed panic. Behind him one of his coworkers was still in the bathroom stall, groans of “Oh god I’m never eating the cafeteria’s taco tuesday again” wafting out from the stall along with a myriad of unpleasant sounds and smells.

 

Jerry stared at his radio, wide-eyed and biting his nails through his leather gloves “Ross? Hello? You said the prisoners are escaping? Press the WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PRESS?”

 

Suddenly a red dot appeared on Jerry’s chest,the minion froze when he spotted it. Jerry whimpered, the dot traveled upwards until it was in the center of his forehead. Jerry’s eyes crossed as he attempted to follow the red dot upwards.

 

Tony stark stood above him, once again in the full Iron man suit, his rocket systems trained on the minion.

 

“Hi.” Tony greeted the minion who was close to shitting his pants “I’m going to level with you here buddy-” Tony sighed “Today has been a shitty day, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I spent all day in a cell, and I’ve had to look at Deadpool in a thong.” He squeezed his thumb and forefinger together “I am THIS close to blowing your brains so-” He aimed a blaster at the wall and fired. Jerry the minion yelped as Iron man shot a laser through the wall, blowing a large hole in the side of the bathroom and onto the surrounding jungle. “-step away from the hammer or I’ll shoot you.” He waved a hand awkwardly “-or whatever.”

 

Thor threw up his hands “And why did thou not do this BEFORE?”

 

Iron man turned back to him “SHUT UP I WAS TIRED OK?”

 

Deadpool put his head in his hands “You mean you could have just- oh my god.”

 

Thor cursed under his breath and rolled his eyes.

 

“YOU KNOW WHAT?” Jerry the minion stood up from the floor “FUCK THIS SHIT!” He threw his radio, gun and giant red button to the floor, the machinery clattering against the tile. He leaned up into Iron’ Man’s face, his teeth bared in an angry grimace, Iron man leaned back uncomfortably “I WANTED TO BE A DANCER!” Jerry screamed, frothing with animalistic rage “A DANCER!”

 

And with that Jerry the minion gracefully pirouetted across the floor of the evil bathroom, ballet leaping out of the scorched hole in the bathroom wall and into the thick foliage of the jungle.

 

The group watched him as he went, pirouetting angrily into the trees until Jerry the minion was out of sight.

 

Tony’s brows arched under the Iron man mask “...Ok then…”

 

“Go live your dreams dude…” Deadpool whispered, wiping away a tear with a gloved hand “Go live your dreams you majestic fuck.”

  
  


Ellie laid back where she was strapped onto the hospital bed, a pair of sensors stuck to either side of her head. A machine to her side beeped constantly, showing a readout of Ellie’s biometrics. The lab she was in was the size of a church, deep within the belly of the evil compound, far underground, dug into the very bedrock the jungle above them sat on.

 

The main work area of the lab sat on a ledge about thirty feet wide, overlooking the expansive hollow of the rock, below them a large tank filled with greenish, slightly glowing liquid swirled ominously, scientists in lab coats flanked either side of the tank, taking measurements and writing things on clipboards. Large machines flanked the walls on either side, feeding green goop into the tank and filtering out the same green goop on the other side.

 

Ellie’s hospital bed was on the upper ledge. Scientists and equipment crowding the small space. Doctor Abrams stood next to Ellie’s hospital bed, scrutinizing the readout on a couple of odd sciencey-looking machines, he scribbled dutifully onto a clipboard.

 

Ellie stared at the ceiling. Deep in thought. “So…” Ellie began “...If you were possessed, hired an exorcist, but didn’t pay them...would you get repossessed?”

 

Doctor Cornelius sighed, his lips pressed together in a hard line. “Not now I’m doing science.”

 

Ellie turned to look at him, her brows furrowed “Why is the alphabet in the order that it is in? It doesn’t need to be in any particular order, it doesn’t change the meaning of the letters…”

 

Doctor Cornelius rubbed the bridge of his nose and groaned “Shut up.’”

 

“Disneyland is a tourist trap right? That means it’s a people trap run by a mouse…” Ellie whispered.

 

“Stop!”

 

“If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea does it mean the fifth person enjoys it? There’s no way anyone has ever gone through their entire lives without getting diarrhea…”

 

“For the love of-”

 

“WHY DO THEY CALL IT A PAIR OF PANTS?”  Ellie screamed “IT’S ONLY ONE PIECE OF CLOTHING!! ONE!!!”

 

Doctor Cornelius whirled toward the girl “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!” He pulled at his hair “I KIDNAPPED YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE EASIER TO MANAGE THAN YOUR FATHER!” He pointed accusingly at her “BUT YOU ARE JUST AS INSUFFERABLE-”

 

Ellie rolled her eyes “Weenie.”

 

“I AM NOT A WEENIE!” Doctor Cornelius screamed, throwing his clipboard to the ground. The scientists on the ledge paused their work to look curiously at the interaction.

 

Ellie’s nose wrinkled and she motioned flippantly with one hand, still cuffed to the hospital bed. “So for your evil villain plot you kidnapped a little girl because you were scared of her dad? And even then you used a military force with helicopters to take her away from who you thought was just a normal human nanny? You’re TOTALLY a weenie.”

 

Doctor Cornelius fumed “STOP CALLING ME A WEENIE!”

 

Ellie huffed “Literally anyone could have done the same thing with like a van, a ten dollar bag of bulk candy and a rope, and instead you used three attack helicopters and a small militia of highly trained evil soldiers. That’s just poor management skills, who FUNDS this crap? Is there like...evil management to report you to? You weenie.”

 

Doctor Cornelius crossed his arms moodily “The plan was flawless! FLAWLESS I SAY!”

 

Ellie sighed and shook her head “You poor, poor, sad, deluded little weenie man…”

 

Doctor Cornelius glared at the little girl “NOT A WEENIE!”

 

“Weenie.”

 

“GAH!” Doctor Cornelius pulled at his hair and growled. He turned away from Ellie with a dramatic swoosh of his lab coat. He turned back to her, looking over his shoulder with a dark look in his eyes “Well my dear...would a weenie CREATE A GIANT MONSTER TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Doctor Cornelius rolled his eyes “Oh shut up.” He trudged back to Ellie’s bedside with a syringe. Ellie hissed as the doctor took a sample of her blood. He held the red vial up to the light, swishing it back and forth with a smile. He went to the ledge that looked out over the large green pool. Something in the green liquid groaned, deep and loud, something very, very large moved under the water.

 

“Not yet my pet…” Doctor Cornelius cooed, his face lit by the glowing green liquid of the tank, clutching the vial of blood with a smile “....Soon...together my pet we will show them all!” His brows furrowed and he laughed, deep and booming “WHEN I RULE THE WORLD WE WILL SEE JUST WHO IS THE SAD WEENIE MAN!”

 

“Spoiler alert!” Ellie yelled “It’s still going to be you!”

 

“SHUT UP!”

 

On one side of the expansive laboratory, on the lower level next to the green tank, a large metal door began to hiss, glowing hotter and hotter red, the center of the door glowed white hot. With a sharp hiss a blue laser beam cut through the metal. Scientists yelped and ducked, putting their clipboards over their heads as the laser cut through the lab, burning a hole into the wall on the other side of the room.

 

Iron man stood on the other side of the door, looking through the hole he melted there with his laser, his hand raised and the power still sizzling from his gauntlet. “Sup motherfuckers.” He greeted with a tilt of his head.

 

Deadpool popped through the opening. “I’m here to eat ass and smoke grass.” He brandished his swords, his brows furrowing under his mask “And I’m all out of grass…”

 

Iron man looked down at him “Don’t you mean kick ass?”

 

Deadpool looked up at him the eyes of his mask wide and earnest “That’s what I said!”

 

Iron man shook his head “That’s...that’s really not what you said...”

 

“I am SURE that’s what I said!”

 

A bolt of lightning crackled across Thor’s shoulders as he too stepped through the melted hole in the doorway. He pointed his hammer at the ledge above them, Doctor Cornelius, Ellie and a couple of other scientists looking over the area “YOU THERE!” He bellowed, a crack of lightning sparking between himself and the hammer “UNHAND HER!”

 

Ellie grinned and wiggled in the hospital bed “DADDY!!! And NANNY!”

 

Doctor Cornelius grinned “You’re TOO LATE!” He placed the vial into a nearby machine, the blood draining from the glass tube and being processed “IT’S ALREADY DONE!”

 

Something roared under the green glowing water. Bubbles rose to the surface, the water thrashing violently. Something rose from the water, a dark column of flesh before it slammed down onto the concrete before the heroes, digging down into the floor as something extremely large began to pull itself up from the water. Another tentacle shot out from the water, and another and another. The thing rose from the tank, a horrendous mass of tentacles and eyes, mouths that splayed across the main body, twisted and screaming in unison, teeth that were as tall as Thor.

 

Deadpool’s eyes widened “Weird tentacle shit?” He pointed accusingly at the doctor “YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PUT THE MONSTERS IN THE SUBWAY!”

 

Thor tore his eyes away from the monster to look at Deadpool “What?”

 

Deadpool smacked a fist into an open palm “From the very beginning of the fanfiction! The tentacle creatures we fought in the subway!”

 

Doctor Cornelius laughed “THAT’S RIGHT!” He clenched a fist “Seeing you fight my creatures that day I knew the only way they would defeat you was if they had your healing factor!” He smiled “And now thanks to your daughter IT DOES!”

 

Deadpool growled “LET MY DAUGHTER GO YOU FUCK!” His brows furrowed “Baby are you up there? How are you doing?”

 

“I’M OK!” Ellie yelled back “HE’S A HUGE WEENIE!”

 

“I AM NOT A WEENIE!” Doctor Cornelius stamped his foot petulantly. “CREATURE!” He yelled “ATTACK!”

 

Deadpool turned to Thor “He’s totally a weenie.”

 

Before Thor could respond though, a huge meaty tentacle slammed down onto the concrete between them, the barbed tentacle cracking through the stone, debris flying everywhere.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK-” Deadpool yelled “KINDA HENTAI ARE YOU WATCHING?”

 

“ENOUGH!” Doctor Cornelius screamed from the ledge “I AM SICK OF BOTH YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER!”

 

“Well how do you think I feel?” A vent above Doctor Cornelius announced. The vent opened and Spiderman swung out, doing a backflip and landing on the railing of the upper ledge. “I have to live with the both of them.”

 

“You’re just mad I used your thesis paper as a coloring book.” Ellie chirped “Also hi!”

 

“Hi Ellie.” Spiderman answered “And yes, I am still mad you used my thesis paper as a coloring book, but first things first-” Doctor Cornelius yelped as Spiderman webbed the scientist to the opposite wall.

 

“GUARDS!” Doctor Cornelius yelled “WHERE ARE THOSE GODDAMN GUARDS?”

 

Upstairs in the evil breakroom of evil, piles of guards snored, fast asleep after eating drugged chocolate chip cookies. The majority of them were covered by the flowery tablecloth that Lupita spread over them.  One guard yawned and stretched, turning over to hug his coworker in his sleep like a giant teddy bear.

 

Lupita, Megan and Black widow exited the vent next.

 

“Nice boys.” Lupita answered “pero, son idiotas…”

 

Natasha put up her fists “Give up the girl, Abrams.”

 

“YEAH!” Megan wheezes through her braces, putting up her fists behind Natasha.

 

Cornelius scowled “No matter!” He ripped a hand up from the webbing to press a button on his watch “ROBOTS GET THEM!”

 

“And robots too?” Ellie yelled from the hospital bed “Minions AND robots! Who is PAYING for all of this? Oh my god!”

 

Several ports opened up on the ceiling, metal sliding across metal like the aperture of a camera. Metal bodies slid through these holes, falling down into the expansive area before rockets ignited on their feet, the robots coming online, their eyes glowing as they floated into the space.

 

“TARGETING ONLINE.” the robots stated in deep electronic voices, their heads swiveling unnaturally to look at the group on the ledge.

 

With the flourish of a hidden knife Doctor Cornelius cut himself down from the webbing. “SO LONG SUCKERS!” He yelled and with that the man began to jog down the flight of stairs, his pressed khaki pants squeaking as he went.

 

“WEENIE!” Ellie yelled as the man ran “WEEEENIIIIEEEE!!!!”

 

The Robots veered towards the group, their hands opening from fingertips to palm, a large circular saw coming from the opening and whirring to life. They swung their saw at the Spiderman, the superspy and two nannies.

 

Spiderman webbed one robot, using the tether he had on its arm to knock its saw into the next robot, decapitating its foe.

 

Megan screamed and shot her grappling hook, the piercing barbs hitting one robot in the face, knocking through one glass eye and into its metal head. The enraged teenager swung as hard as she could, the robot arching above her head before it was smashed to floor in a crumpled heap of sparking electronics.

 

Lupita charged at one of the robots, she took out her knitting needles and a half-finished scarf, she threw the needles like darts, both needles sticking through the eyes of the robot. Using the string still attached to the knitting needles she pulled herself onto the robot, bracing her tiny feet on its shoulders. The robot buzzed and whirred, swinging wildly, blind now with both eyes blinded by knitting needles. Lupita yelled and pulled on the yarn coming from either knitting needle, she used each tether like a rein to control the robot’s wild swingings, making it charge into its kin, slicing through robot after robot.

 

Thor grinned as he witnessed this exchange, dodging a tentacle that was aimed at him and hitting through another tentacle with his hammer. “WELL DONE MISS LUPITA!” He bellowed, blood from the severed tentacle spraying across his front “YOU HAVE TAPPED INTO YOUR WARRIOR SPIRIT!”

 

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Lupita screamed in righteous rage, the tiny elderly hispanic woman was on top of the robot, gripping the pink yarn that led to the knitting needles in the robot’s eyes. Like Odin on his warhorse, the statuesque image of rage "ME CAGO EN TODO LO QUE SE MENEA!” She hollered, piloting the robot into another trio of robots.

 

Two robots were coming for Natasha on either side, pulling back their saw hands and lurching forward. Natasha jumped just as they attacked, slicing into each other instead of into her, she used them as a launching pad, backflipping over the pair of mutilated bots, taking one severed saw hand with her as she went. She sprinted towards Ellie’s hospital bed with the saw hand.

 

“Aunty!” Ellie chirped and strained against the cuffs.

 

Natasha smiled down at her “Hey kiddo, let's get you out of those cuffs.”

 

Natasha placed the links of the cuffs against one of the metal bars of the hospital bed. She then jammed the saw blade against both the link and the metal bar.

 

“Hold on kiddo.” Natasha rooted around in the torn wires from the robot. She put two wires together and the saw sputtered to life, snapping the chain and tearing through the soft padding of the bed, pieces of metal, foam and feathers flying up in every direction. Natasha repeated the process with the other cuff.

 

Ellie sat up and rubbed her wrists “Thanks Aunty! Where’s my dads?”

 

Natasha threw away the robot arm. “They’ll be fine. We need to get you somewhere safe.”

  


Down below them Thor, Iron Man, Deadpool and Scorpion were fighting the tentacle monster. Thor was crackling with electricity, he slammed his hammer into tentacle after tentacle, the meaty limbs being vaporized into a splatter of blood as they came towards him. One particularly powerful attack sent jolts of electricity shooting up through the monster’s muscles, making the creature shake and spasm, their tentacles moving more erratically, their mouths screaming and howling.

 

Deadpool had both machine guns blaring, firing round after round into the thick hide of the monster, laughing and tilting his head back, tentacles shot to swiss cheese, the monster writhing and screaming.

 

“Hey!” Deadpool remarked conversationally “Tentacles, robots, this is JUST like the porn I used to buy.”

 

Deadpool put his guns away and took out his swords, jumping onto a tentacle and running up its length, jumping with a joyous yell and bringing both swords down into one of the creature’s giant squid-like eyes. The creature screamed and flailed, catching Deadpool in the stomach and sending him careening through the space, landing with a harsh CRACK against the opposite wall.

 

Scorpion screamed, punching tentacle after tentacle with her gauntlets, the mechanical gauntlets sent shockwaves through the meat of the creature, the force seeming to puff up the flesh before the skin split open spraying blood across the general area.

 

Iron man shot both repulsor cannons, frying fish meat as tentacle after tentacle shot out at him, the barbed appendages attempting to harpoon him like a tin can on a string but he always dodged just in time or fried the sharp scaled appendages before they reached him.

 

“FUCK!” Iron man yelled as one tentacle wrapped around his ankle and pulled him into the air, he bent over backwards in order to grip the meaty thing, his armoured gauntlets whirring as his artificial strength squeezed through the cords and sinew, pulling apart the muscle along the long fibrous strands, breaking the bone and finally setting him free, dropping down closer to the water until he stabilized himself.

 

From this vantage point Iron man could see that every appendage they burned, cut or shocked through, the creature just grew more tentacles. Tentacles continued to rise up from the beast, in thick tangles of flesh. “IT JUST KEEPS GROWING MORE.”

 

“Crap.” Deadpool sliced through another tentacle “This is the thing he needed Ellie for! She inherited my bullshit!”

 

Thor spun his hammer, lifting through another thicket of tentacles, ripping them apart into meaty strands of sinew. “What would you suggest?”

 

Iron man scanned the creature, dodging a couple of tentacles that lurched at him “We might have to-”

 

Iron man was unfortunately cut off by a tentacle that shot out from the creature, the harpoon-like barb catching into his suit, slamming him into the ground by the tank. Error messages flashed in the screen inside of his helmet, metal squeaked and groaned as his suit was slowly being crushed by the giant tentacle surrounding him. “Warning.” Jervis announced, slightly blaise considering the situation “Suit integrity falling, 70%, 60%, 50%”

 

Another tentacle wrapped around Thor, shaking the thunder god and slamming him into the stone over and over again like a baby with a new rattle. Thor’s vision was swimming, his eyes were crossed, his hammer slipped from his fingers.

 

Scorpion screamed as a tentacle wrapped around her leg. She clawed at the giant appendage, the barbs ripping through her tactical armor and piecing the meat of her leg. She was pulled screaming into the water. With the last of her strength she threw the baby doll she carried, the baby doll landing with a squeak on the stone around the tank.

 

Deadpool rushed towards the creature, swords drawn, he pulled back and-

 

The end of one barbed tentacle shit through the midsection, impaling him completely. He looked down at the wiggling appendage sticking out from his rib cage. “Well fuck.”

 

Ellie screamed from her vantage point on the ledge, her knuckles white as they gripped the railing. “DADDY!”

 

Deadpool looked up at her, blood pouring from the hole in his chest “Baby girl don’t look!”

 

The tentacle spasmed, the tentacle ripping through Deadpool like tearing a piece of paper from a notebook, ripping from his heart and exiting through his shoulder. Deadpool crumpling to the ground in a pile of bloody limbs.

 

Ellie screamed, the pink nail polish on her nails chipping as she gripped the railing. Tears ran down her chubby cheeks. Somewhere deep inside her she knew that he would be ok, she knew that he would get up again, but knowing about something and seeing her father ripped to shreds before her very eyes were two very different things.

 

Right now she only knew two things:

 

  1. Something hurt her daddy
  2. They were going to PAY FOR THAT



 

Lupita and the robot she rode were trailing pink yarn everywhere. Ellie grabbed a strand of bright pink yarn and ran for the railing. Natasha tried to stop her, her fingers just brushing the collar of Ellie’s shirt, but she just missed her. Ellie jumped off the railing, pink yarn in hand. Natasha scrabbled for the other end of the yarn, gripping onto the string as Ellie rappelled down into the lab below.

 

She landed on the rock around the tank. Tentacles shot towards her, but using her skills she learned in ballet she gracefully jumped over them. Her brows were furrowed in determination, her pigtails flying in righteous indignation. She ran across the bedrock, Thor’s hammer lying under where the God of Thunder was suspended above, she reached for the weapon and-

 

A spark of lightning!

 

A flash of light so bright that those on the ledge had to shield their eyes for a moment.

 

Ellie yelled, lightning traveling up her arms, across her shoulders, but not hurting her. Sparks flashed in her pigtails, her eyes glowed a bright unnatural blue. She grit her teeth as the power of thunder, of lightning, of nature itself coalesced, channeling through one very small, one very angry little girl.

 

She lifted the hammer.

 

Glorious in her rage, sparks flying from her eyes, Ellie yelled in righteous anger, slamming the hammer down into the rock in which she stood, cracking apart the stone. The cracks traveled across the floor, up the walls and to the ceiling, rock beginning to rain down from above.

 

The monster roared and flailed their many tentacles, one very large piece of rock fell from the ceiling and crashed into the creature, the weight of it pushing it into the pool. Their tentacles unfurled, dropping Thor and Iron man.

 

Black widow dodged a large piece of debris. “IT’S GOING TO CAVE IN!” She yelled.

 

Thor shook his head, dispelling the double vision. He ran towards the sparking and glowing Ellie,picking her up, hammer and all under one arm. Spiderman held onto Lupita and swung down to the lower level of the lab, Megan used her grappling hook and Natasha did an extremely graceful backflip.

 

Spiderman ran to Deadpool, he kneeled next to Deadpool, holding up his upper body, the split between his ribcage and his shoulder healing ever so slowly.

 

“Hey baby boy…” Deadpool croaked, blood spurting out from between his lips “Did you see our daughter? That was so fucking cool…”

 

Spiderman leaned back to look at where Thor had Ellie under an arm. “Is she ok?”

 

Thor looked down at the sparking Ellie and back to Spiderman.

 

Iron man hovered down closer to the group, his armor sparking and the repulsors flashing in and out. “JUST GET HER OUT OF HER THIS PLACE IS FALLING APART!”

 

Spiderman webbed Deadpool’s upper torso together. He helped Wade stand upright,Wade’s upper torso flopping around like a ragdoll as a great deal of his innards had been scooped out. His head flopped back in a broken unnatural way “COME ON!” He yelled at the people behind him, his wound still bleeding under the webbing “LET’S GET A MOVE ON PEOPLE!!”

 

Thor led the group, Ellie still sparking and holding the hammer under one of his arms. Then Spiderman and Deadpool followed after Thor and Ellie, Spiderman guided Deadpool as he ran, Deadpool’s head still swinging brokenly behind his own back. Megan and Black Widow were after them. Iron man flew after them, his repulsors still sparking and shorting out, the beams wavering, he held Lupita in his arms, the old woman looking back at the tumbling architecture as the lower part of complex imploded upon itself.

 

The group screamed, the building collapsing in on them and-

  


The minion in the men’s bathroom stall hummed, flipping through a magazine as he did his business. “Hmmm…” He stared at an ad down on the page “There’s a sale at the evil minion uniform emporium….half off black turtlenecks and sunglasses to wear indoors…” He hummed contemplatively “Well whaddaya know…” The minion slapped the page in front of him and chuckled “Well doesn’t that look snazzy! I might have to spice up my evil wardrobe…”

 

There was an ominous gurgle from behind him. He leaned back to look at the toilet he was perched on “What?” His brows furrowed “Did I clog it or-”

 

Suddenly the tile of the men’s bathroom rippled, concrete cracking underneath. The minion and his toilet were sent careening downwards, he screamed, gripping the rim of the toilet for dear life and-

 

He landed several feet below, the stall clanking down around him, the door swinging open.

 

Someone coughed, shoulders emerged from the debris of pipes and tiles and concrete chunks. Black widow coughed and wiggled out from under a large piece of concrete, helping to dig out Megan and giving her a hand up. Iron man rose up as well, Lupita unharmed in his arms. He set the old woman down gently.

 

Deadpool was next, wrenching his head back into place with a SNAP. “Ellie!” He called out “Is Ellie ok?”

 

Spiderman coughed next to him, throwing off what looked to be the fluorescent light from the bathroom

 

Thor arose from the rubble as well, Ellie still in his arms.

 

Deadpool and Spiderman went to Ellie’s side. Deadpool wiped Ellie’s dusty cheek with a gloved hand “Baby girl?” He whispered “Are you alright?”

 

Ellie murmured, her dark lashed fluttering against her cheeks “Dad?” She whispered and coughed.

 

“Oh baby girl!” Deadpool was sobbing now, picking up Ellie from Thor’s arms, he hugged her, rocking them both back and forth, kissing her temple and sobbing some more. “I’m sorry baby girl!”

 

“Are you ok Ellie?” Spiderman asked her, scrutinizing her for any cuts or scrapes “Did he hurt you?” He went to his utility belt “I have a med kit in here I-”

 

Ellie shook her head “No I-”

 

She paused.

 

Ellie looked down to her hands, Thor’s hammer glinting back up at her.

 

Ellie’s eyes filled with tears “I-I- “ She stammered “I really picked it up?”

 

Thor smiled at her. He put one large hand on her shoulder “Aye!” proud tears glimmered in Thor’s eyes “You are worthy!”

 

Spiderman put a gloved hand to his face “Ellie you give that back to Thor or I swear-”

 

Ellie rose the hammer above her head “YES!!” She screamed “I’M GOING TO SMASH COLIN JAMESON, THE BRAT FROM MY CLASS, IN THE GODDAMN FACE!”

 

Ellie yelped as once again the hammer became too heavy, the hammer falling once again to the floor. “AWWW!” Ellie yelled “COME ON!”

 

Deadpool chuckled and kissed her temple “It’s ok Ellie-belly. I still think you’re cool.”

 

They took a moment to laugh together.

 

“Awww….” The minion from inside the toilet stall wiped a tear from his eye.

 

Deadpool looked up “What the fuck...Bob? Is that you?”

 

The minion waved awkwardly, pulling down his shirt to cover himself “Hi Mr. Wilson! Sorry to ah...drop in on a touching family moment…” He motioned awkwardly to the door “Would you mind-”

 

Deadpool rolled his eyes and Ellie snickered. He let Ellie go and went over to the stall, closing the door for Bob.

 

“Thank you!” Bob chirped.

 

“Yeah yeah.” Deadpool picked up astray roll of toilet paper and tossed it into the cell as well. “I hope you know you’re under arrest or whatever.”

  


In the end the sleeping minions were piled into a S.H.I.E.L.D transport vehicle, all still snoozing quietly under the floral tablecloth Lupita had spread over them. The commander was also detained, his arm still stuck in a vending machine, seething quietly. The building was already mostly demolished, hopefully trapping whatever that THING was deep inside the bedrock.

 

They searched for Scorpion, hoping beyond hope that maybe she had escaped the tank and the collapsing building. Thor pulled Scorpion’s baby doll “Jonina” from the wreckage.

 

Thor held the scratched and dirty doll, cleaning off a bit of dust from their plastic head. Lupita and Megan leaned over his arms to look at the doll as well, all three of them near tears. “She was a good teacher.” Thor nodded, looking down at the doll sadly.

 

Megan patted one of Thor’s biceps and gave the god a watery smile. “She was proud of you.” Megan wheezed.

 

Thor sniffed and patted Megan’s hand.

 

Black Widow looked over the scientists being loaded into S.H.I.E.L.D helicopters and trucks. “We didn’t get Doctor Abrams.”

 

“Whatever.” Ellie rolled her eyes and leaned against her dad, Deadpool reluctant to let his daughter out of his arms for any amount of time “He was a total weenie.”

 

“Still.” Spiderman looked out over the jungle, his arms crossed “I would feel better if he was in custody.”

  


The group piled back into the hot pink helicopter and headed home. Bruised, scratched, but alive and together and grateful. Megan was back home in time for her chemistry test in the morning. Lupita went back to her little apartment, she rinsed her tactical gear out in the sink before putting them in the wash. She then filled out another order for the prescription of sleeping medicine she wasted on the guards.

 

S.H.I.E.L.D agents disguised as workers patched up the Parker/Wilson apartment. Ellie laughed and ran through where the workers were nailing new boards into place, a cardboard version of Thor’s hammer Wade had made for her held aloft.

 

Thor went back to the diner, a large stack of bills in hand. Carol the waitress nearly fainted when he presented the money to her with a slight bow. Enough cash to pay off his tab and the window he had broken.

 

Thor’s debt was finally paid, but he decided to keep babysitting. It helped him stay connected to the people he protected, helped to remind him of just why he was a hero.

 

Thor rang the doorbell of his next client’s house, his duffel bag slung over one shoulder. There was a tiny patter of feet from inside the house and a tiny voice yelled out “I’ll get the door! I’ll get the door!”

 

The door opened and a tiny face peeked through. A little girl peered out at Thor, curly red hair under a floppy bunny eared hat. The girl smiled widely at Thor “It’s YOU!”

 

Thor laughed and leaned down to greet her “Ah! Miss Olivia! The warrior from the park! How do thou fare?”

 

Olivia giggled “I’m good!” She bit her lip and leaned forward, her eyes wide “Wanna have a teaparty?”

 

Thor grinned and nodded “Aye! Let us have a merry tea party!”

 

And with that the little girl took Thor by the hand and led him inside.

 

“Now.” Thor asked as the little girl led him excitedly down the hall “What is a tea party?”

 

Doctor Cornelius growled as he trudged through the jungle, his khaki pants muddied and torn “Stupid brat!” He cursed to himself. He shook off a vine that had tangled around his foot “Myplan was perfect! PERFECT” He trudged further, swatting away some flies “Also I am NOT a weenie!” He pulled a vine out of the way “I’ll build a new monster!” He slapped a fist into an open palm “Something better! Bigger! I will just need another blood sample from that little-”

 

Doctor Cornelius paused, his eyes wide.

 

Against his neck a thick rope made from jungle vines was pulled taught.

 

A woman stood behind him.

 

Scorpion leaned closer, her bloodied lips just brushing the shell of his ear. “You. don’t. Go. after. Kids.” She murmured. She grit her teeth and pulled-

 

There was a yell.

 

A crunch of bones.

 

A body crumpling to the ground.

 

Jungle birds flew up from their perches and into the sky above, dark blots against the sky.

 

Scorpion stood above the body, a please look on her face. “Well Jonina-” She turned to the thing strapped to her back, a coconut speared into a pineapple, a lopsided face carved into the coconut. Scorpion hummed and ran a finger across the coconut baby’s cheek “What shall we do today?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the final chapter! please comment your thoughts I love hearing from people! Did you like how it ended? Was there a funny part you liked best? I would LOVE to hear it!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ya'll sorry I haven't updated this series in a million years! I've been doing more homestuck stuff recently but this just popped into my head and I had to write it. This should take 2-3 chapters max but I promise it will be a fun ride!
> 
> Comment on me like one of your french girls.


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